Need Proofreading

eascarface · 07-May-06, 11:14 PM

Ive got a psuedo script due tommorow for a documentary about the international arms trade due tommorow and was wondering if any of yall would be kind enough to critique it for me. Im mainly looking for how it affects you emotionally and any ideas you have that would help make it better.
Again thanks very much
AL
P.S PC APEX RULES

In the time it takes for you to read this 2 people will be seriously injured. One of those two people will die.
Why?

Because the international arms trade is one of the most profitable industries in the world. With over 689 million small and light arms in the world today the International arms trade is valued at over $257 Billion USD. The US alone accounted for almost 45% of that trade. Thats 116 Billion dollars worth of guns exported yearly.

Meet Camila Magalhaes Lina. 8 years ago she was a succseful teenager on her to way an Olympic career in gymnastics and a wonderful life. Minutes after leaving school she was on her way to the hospital having been shot through the legs with 7.62mm bullet fired from an AK-47.

Meet Ulric Quee. He was 9 years old when he was given his first gun and injected with cocaine. Within 8 months he had injured,killed, and raped hundreds of people.He had been promoted to captain for his actions. He used one gun.

The AK-47.

Of all the weapons in the vast soviet arsenal, nothing was more profitable than Avtomat Kalashnikova model of 1947. More commonly known as the AK-47, or Kalashnikov. It's the worlds most popular assault rifle. A weapon all fighters love. An elegantly simple 9 pound amalgamation of forged steel and plywood. It doesn't break, jam, or overheat. It'll shoot whether it's covered in mud or filled with sand. It's so easy, even a child can use it; and they do. The Soviets put the gun on a coin. Mozambique put it on their flag. Since the end of the Cold War, the Kalashnikov has become the Russian people's greatest export.
Meet Jean Bernard Lasnaud. He was one of the most sucseful arms dealers ever. For over twenty years he has raked in almost $2 million dollars selling small and heavy arms so the poorest people on the planet could continue killing each other off.
Jean Bernard Lasnaud is the reason Camila Magalhaes Lina will never stand on her own two legs again. Jean Bernard Lasnaud is the reason Ulric Quee killed and raped hundreds of people. Jean Bernard Lasnaud is responsible for some of the worst genocides in the world. Jean Bernard Lasnaud is nothing more than a modern day Hitler.
He was almost caught by Argentinian authorities in 1983 but managed to escape and gained citizenship in the US.

Argentinian authorities soon found him and petitioned the Department of Justice for an arrest and extradition. However despite mounds and mounds of evidence the Department of Justice refused thier request on grounds of lack of evidence.
For the next 19 years he sold arms from his million dollar condo in South Florida. For the next 19 years he lived in the most luxurious style possible while he continued to kill millions of pople around the world.
However in late 2002 he suddenly fled the US for reasons unkown.For several months his locations were unkown until INTERPOL managed to capture him on May 23.

He is now facing charges in an Argentinian court and could recieve up to 22 years in jail.
Even though he was captured the fact remains that it took over 20 years for him to be captured. Thats 20 years he got to sell billions of dollars worth of guns. Thats 20 years millions of people were killed.
Why is this possible?
Its possible because the laws governing the arms trade were made by the men who profit off of this trade not by the people affected by them. People like Uriq and Camila.
But its not just the laws and the gun-runners. Its the lack of education and moral base in third world countries.Even modernized contries such as the US and UK suffer from these moral faults selling more arms than anyone else- Jean Bernanaud Lasnaud included. And they sell them to the very countries which they admonish for human rights violations.
Thankfully there are efforts to correct these mistakes. Tanzinia formerly one of the most violent countries in Africa is now leading the way in disarment. They established a 5 year disarment program and began one of the most stringent crackdowns on illeagal arms ever. Uganda recently began the removal of all small and light from all non government organizations and implemented a 1 year ban on all weapons.
There have also been efforts to change international law to make it illeagal to sell arms to countries with poor human rights records, as well as offering bonuses for providing moral training to those same countries.
Organizations like Amnesty Internation and Control Arms are also leading the fight against the illeagal arms trade. They are leading the way to a better future. Thanks to them tragidies like Ulric and Camila will hopefully never happen again. But we can't delude ourselves. Without your help they won't be able to do it. Thousands of nameless faceless people will be slaughtered and nothing will be done. Help save people like Camila. Help save the world.

musclecars&computers · 07-May-06, 11:18 PM

Good, except i hope ur teacher hasn't seen "Lord of War" too.

eascarface · 07-May-06, 11:21 PM

She has but I checked with her and its allright.

musclecars&computers · 07-May-06, 11:25 PM

Isn't there som'n called.. hmmmm. well.....all yea a copywrite?? Man i've been desprite but i never bought a copywrite before.

j/k man it's good.

Jager · 07-May-06, 11:28 PM

the article is good, i hope though that you do not have to debate it, as there are points in there that would be very hard to defend as good choices I am referring to the section on what countries are doing to slow the trade now.

eascarface · 07-May-06, 11:34 PM

We wont have to defend anything - its just a video pop it in and play it. Which is a shame because it would have been fun to beat someone down in a debate again.

J/k. Plus since its an education video I am allowed to use up to 3 minutes of a movie so I will proably use a few clips as well. Thanks for all the comments.

07-May-06, 11:14 PM		#1 (permalink)
eascarface Apex Tech God	Need Proofreading Ive got a psuedo script due tommorow for a documentary about the international arms trade due tommorow and was wondering if any of yall would be kind enough to critique it for me. Im mainly looking for how it affects you emotionally and any ideas you have that would help make it better. Again thanks very much AL P.S PC APEX RULES In the time it takes for you to read this 2 people will be seriously injured. One of those two people will die. Why? Because the international arms trade is one of the most profitable industries in the world. With over 689 million small and light arms in the world today the International arms trade is valued at over $257 Billion USD. The US alone accounted for almost 45% of that trade. Thats 116 Billion dollars worth of guns exported yearly. Meet Camila Magalhaes Lina. 8 years ago she was a succseful teenager on her to way an Olympic career in gymnastics and a wonderful life. Minutes after leaving school she was on her way to the hospital having been shot through the legs with 7.62mm bullet fired from an AK-47. Meet Ulric Quee. He was 9 years old when he was given his first gun and injected with cocaine. Within 8 months he had injured,killed, and raped hundreds of people.He had been promoted to captain for his actions. He used one gun. The AK-47. Of all the weapons in the vast soviet arsenal, nothing was more profitable than Avtomat Kalashnikova model of 1947. More commonly known as the AK-47, or Kalashnikov. It's the worlds most popular assault rifle. A weapon all fighters love. An elegantly simple 9 pound amalgamation of forged steel and plywood. It doesn't break, jam, or overheat. It'll shoot whether it's covered in mud or filled with sand. It's so easy, even a child can use it; and they do. The Soviets put the gun on a coin. Mozambique put it on their flag. Since the end of the Cold War, the Kalashnikov has become the Russian people's greatest export. Meet Jean Bernard Lasnaud. He was one of the most sucseful arms dealers ever. For over twenty years he has raked in almost $2 million dollars selling small and heavy arms so the poorest people on the planet could continue killing each other off. Jean Bernard Lasnaud is the reason Camila Magalhaes Lina will never stand on her own two legs again. Jean Bernard Lasnaud is the reason Ulric Quee killed and raped hundreds of people. Jean Bernard Lasnaud is responsible for some of the worst genocides in the world. Jean Bernard Lasnaud is nothing more than a modern day Hitler. He was almost caught by Argentinian authorities in 1983 but managed to escape and gained citizenship in the US. Argentinian authorities soon found him and petitioned the Department of Justice for an arrest and extradition. However despite mounds and mounds of evidence the Department of Justice refused thier request on grounds of lack of evidence. For the next 19 years he sold arms from his million dollar condo in South Florida. For the next 19 years he lived in the most luxurious style possible while he continued to kill millions of pople around the world. However in late 2002 he suddenly fled the US for reasons unkown.For several months his locations were unkown until INTERPOL managed to capture him on May 23. He is now facing charges in an Argentinian court and could recieve up to 22 years in jail. Even though he was captured the fact remains that it took over 20 years for him to be captured. Thats 20 years he got to sell billions of dollars worth of guns. Thats 20 years millions of people were killed. Why is this possible? Its possible because the laws governing the arms trade were made by the men who profit off of this trade not by the people affected by them. People like Uriq and Camila. But its not just the laws and the gun-runners. Its the lack of education and moral base in third world countries.Even modernized contries such as the US and UK suffer from these moral faults selling more arms than anyone else- Jean Bernanaud Lasnaud included. And they sell them to the very countries which they admonish for human rights violations. Thankfully there are efforts to correct these mistakes. Tanzinia formerly one of the most violent countries in Africa is now leading the way in disarment. They established a 5 year disarment program and began one of the most stringent crackdowns on illeagal arms ever. Uganda recently began the removal of all small and light from all non government organizations and implemented a 1 year ban on all weapons. There have also been efforts to change international law to make it illeagal to sell arms to countries with poor human rights records, as well as offering bonuses for providing moral training to those same countries. Organizations like Amnesty Internation and Control Arms are also leading the fight against the illeagal arms trade. They are leading the way to a better future. Thanks to them tragidies like Ulric and Camila will hopefully never happen again. But we can't delude ourselves. Without your help they won't be able to do it. Thousands of nameless faceless people will be slaughtered and nothing will be done. Help save people like Camila. Help save the world.

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07-May-06, 11:18 PM		#2 (permalink)
musclecars&computers Apex Tech Demi-God	Good, except i hope ur teacher hasn't seen "Lord of War" too.

07-May-06, 11:21 PM		#3 (permalink)
eascarface Apex Tech God	She has but I checked with her and its allright.

07-May-06, 11:25 PM		#4 (permalink)
musclecars&computers Apex Tech Demi-God	Isn't there som'n called.. hmmmm. well.....all yea a copywrite?? Man i've been desprite but i never bought a copywrite before. j/k man it's good.

07-May-06, 11:28 PM		#5 (permalink)
Jager Apex Tech Fanatic	the article is good, i hope though that you do not have to debate it, as there are points in there that would be very hard to defend as good choices I am referring to the section on what countries are doing to slow the trade now.

07-May-06, 11:34 PM		#6 (permalink)
eascarface Apex Tech God	We wont have to defend anything - its just a video pop it in and play it. Which is a shame because it would have been fun to beat someone down in a debate again. J/k. Plus since its an education video I am allowed to use up to 3 minutes of a movie so I will proably use a few clips as well. Thanks for all the comments.