Anathema's Advice Corner

Anathema · 10-April-04, 12:44 AM

Do you have issues that you need help working out? Is your life in a downward spiral? Unlucky in love? Finances in shambles? Are you at the end of your rope?

Well, have no fear, weary advice-seeker! Help has arrived. For a small fee of your pride and self-respect (if you lack these, $50 will do), I will help you solve ALL your problems! If you are in need of a helpful hand, and have nobody else to turn to, I'm here for you!

I'm located in the dark, smoky back room of the Sock & Feather, located 2 blocks south of the Anything Goes Parlour! When you arrive, just ask for the saucy wench with the cleavage. The bartender will direct you where you need to go!

Come in today, and let me help you out!*

*Advice provided by Anathema is for entertainment purposes only. Do not take this seriously, unless you really want to!

KayinStorm · 10-April-04, 12:48 AM

Yeah, she was just so convincing, I had to let her open up shop...

Good to have you Ana, I'm glad to see I'll have help here. I'll bet you can match, too...

Crazy_J · 10-April-04, 12:51 AM

I'll be the first one to pull up a chair.

My dog keeps on laughing at me. I don't know why. I ask her multiple times whats wrong and she just stares at me with her evil K9 eyes. Is there something I did wrong? Each time I get her a scoobie snack she tries to take me finger with it. Oh yeah.. .and I can't stand her shifting eyes. It really scares me and then she starts laughing at me again. Am I the one with a problem, or does the dog have a problem?

***This story may be exaggerated a little bit to save my identity and my dignity.******

Iateronmly · 10-April-04, 12:54 AM

Okay okay.. I'll bite...

Dear Anathema,

I'm hoping you can help with a small problem I've had recently. It seems like I can't ever find women I can connect with. I'm a man of the world - I have a great deal of knowledge involving computers and fish.. why do women throw drinks in my face instead of offering nightcaps?! I even tried bathing once washing away the smell of Alaskan money and that didn't help either. I'm at my wits end, I ain't livin' long like this.

Sincerly
Sexless in Alaska.

TYCOON · 10-April-04, 12:56 AM

LOL @ Crazy_J

Anathema · 10-April-04, 12:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazy_J


	I'll be the first one to pull up a chair. My dog keeps on laughing at me. I don't know why. I ask her multiple times whats wrong and she just stares at me with her evil K9 eyes. Is there something I did wrong? Each time I get her a scoobie snack she tries to take me finger with it. Oh yeah.. .and I can't stand her shifting eyes. It really scares me and then she starts laughing at me again. Am I the one with a problem, or does the dog have a problem? *This story may be exaggerated a little bit to save my identity and my dignity.****

You BOTH have a problem. Your dog likes to make fun of you because she has no self-esteem, so she has to put you down in order to make herself feel better. I see this so often, it could make me cry. Maybe she tries to bite your finger off because she's trying to tell you she needs help. I suggest therapy for you two. Or maybe she doesn't like scooby snacks. Either way, you guys need to go see someone...

About the eyes thing.. just um.. put one of those sleeping visor things over her eyes. That'll fix it! Thank you, and come again! Please leave your payment at the door.

ZENNZZO · 10-April-04, 01:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazy_J


	I'll be the first one to pull up a chair. My dog keeps on laughing at me. I don't know why. I ask her multiple times whats wrong and she just stares at me with her evil K9 eyes. Is there something I did wrong? Each time I get her a scoobie snack she tries to take me finger with it. Oh yeah.. .and I can't stand her shifting eyes. It really scares me and then she starts laughing at me again. Am I the one with a problem, or does the dog have a problem? *This story may be exaggerated a little bit to save my identity and my dignity.****

DOOD that's simple, quit dressing in front of her, and cut out the red raw meat in her diet, and by all means give her a beer now and again...

Anathema · 10-April-04, 01:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iateronmly


	Okay okay.. I'll bite... Dear Anathema, I'm hoping you can help with a small problem I've had recently. It seems like I can't ever find women I can connect with. I'm a man of the world - I have a great deal of knowledge involving computers and fish.. why do women throw drinks in my face instead of offering nightcaps?! I even tried bathing once washing away the smell of Alaskan money and that didn't help either. I'm at my wits end, I ain't livin' long like this. Sincerly Sexless in Alaska.

Dear Mr. Alaska,

Perhaps your approach is all wrong. Women like exotic, edgy men. So, my advice to you is to buy the following things: A ruffly poet's shirt, skin tight leather pants, eyeliner, and some suave biker boots. The ladies will be so confused about the image you're trying to project, that they won't be able to resist flocking around you to see what your deal is. Then, you can make your move once you've got a sufficient number of curious lasses hovering about! It works wonders, trust me.

P.S. Wearing copious amounts of Brut aftershave will help greatly.

KayinStorm · 10-April-04, 01:05 AM

Ana, your presence has been requested on IM by Mr. Duckwarrior and I....

Iateronmly · 10-April-04, 01:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anathema


	Dear Mr. Alaska, Perhaps your approach is all wrong. Women like exotic, edgy men. So, my advice to you is to buy the following things: A ruffly poet's shirt, skin tight leather pants, eyeliner, and some suave biker boots. The ladies will be so confused about the image you're trying to project, that they won't be able to resist flocking around you to see what your deal is. Then, you can make your move once you've got a sufficient number of curious lasses hovering about! It works wonders, trust me. P.S. Wearing copious amounts of Brut aftershave will help greatly.

You mean my shiny shirt, dog collar, green hair, and cod piece weren't exotic enough?! I tried Brut once, but couldn't kill the odor of fish... I own a vat of Old Spice instead.

AltoNova1 · 10-April-04, 01:10 AM

Dear "saucy wench with the cleavage" (that's what the batender said),
What in the world is wrong with me? I'm trying to hook up with a girl but within the first 5 minutes of meeting her I'm suddenly her "new girlfriend"? What the heck? Anyways, should I be more mean and obnoxious like my playa friend or should I just be a jerk? I'm told that for some reason women like jerks. Thanks for your advice and settin up shop. Oh, btw here's your payment. (pulls out 3 cents and a length of string)

Sincerely,
IHaveNoIdea

*isn't it fun when you can't tell if someone is being sarcastic?*

KayinStorm · 10-April-04, 01:20 AM

Women want jerks for a fling but settle down with nice guys. Remember that.

And I did *not* say that. I'm better mannered.

DuplexEmotions · 10-April-04, 01:31 AM

I have an honest question, if you want to give me advice.

Any ideas on how to sleep better? I asked this once on the RealLife forums, and I got told to put amythist under my pillow and masturbate. Neither helps.

Actually, it's gotten worse. It takes me a few hours to fall asleep, and once I fall asleep I have vivid dreams that aren't nightmares in the way that the content is frightening (the content is actually me doing normal daily activities), but the dreams are vivid enough to frighten me until it takes me another couple hours to fall asleep. It's really starting to wear me down.

Sincerely,

John (too lazy to be clever at 1 in the morning)

AltoNova1 · 10-April-04, 01:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DuplexEmotions


	I have an honest question, if you want to give me advice. Any ideas on how to sleep better? I asked this once on the RealLife forums, and I got told to put amythist under my pillow and masturbate. Neither helps. Actually, it's gotten worse. It takes me a few hours to fall asleep, and once I fall asleep I have vivid dreams that aren't nightmares in the way that the content is frightening (the content is actually me doing normal daily activities), but the dreams are vivid enough to frighten me until it takes me another couple hours to fall asleep. It's really starting to wear me down. Sincerely, John (too lazy to be clever at 1 in the morning)

to be perfectly honest and serious with you i pull out my chem or calculus 2 book and start reading. i'm out like a light in about 5-10 minutes. on a side note i'm told that "whackin the monkey" helps you sleep because after you're done it releases hormones that make you wicked sleepy. i believe i picked this up in anatomy and physiology class though it coulda been sex week on tlc

KayinStorm · 10-April-04, 01:41 AM

Well, try this.

Try being in your bedroom only to sleep. Don't watch TV in there, don't play with Legos in there, don't torture cats in there. By doing so, you reinforce the idea that when you go to bed, it is time for sleep. Also, try exercising before bed. For some, it tires them out enough to get them to sleep. Warm milk, however cliched, does contain chemical compounds that help you sleep, as does turkey.

Also, try sleeping with a pillow between your knees. I dunno, works for me.

Enjoy...

DuplexEmotions · 10-April-04, 01:42 AM

I can't really do that, Altonova. I enjoy that stuff, and I've been known to go without sleeping just to read.

Edit because KayinStorm posted while I was posting:

I do sleep with a pillow between my legs.
I can't move out and do things out of my room, there isn't space in the house to put my computer and such.
I can't exercise because I have breathing problems that would result in eternal night, if you catch my drift.

thanks, though.

Crazy_J · 10-April-04, 01:47 AM

I use to Pray the Rosary in bed. I always fell asleep before finishing it. Even if you don't believe in religous stuff..still try it because I bet it will put you to sleep. Just my 2 cents.

Edit
--------------------

Maybe you need to see a chiropractor?

AltoNova1 · 10-April-04, 01:50 AM

DE, why don't you try "mixing things up" a bit. like sleep with your head on the other side of the bed. sleep on a different side, face down, etc etc. or sometimes what i do is if i find i have trouble falling asleep i'll sleep somewhere else. sometimes i can't sleep on my bed so i'll grab a sleeping bag and sleep on the floor or i can't sleep in my room so i'll sleep on the couch in the living room. i don't know what's accessible to you but i think it's worth a shot *shrug*

DuplexEmotions · 10-April-04, 01:50 AM

after all I've seen from religion, I can't bring myself to pray. any time I try to do chants, my mind starts wandering and before I know it I've written a short story in my head. Maybe I should start posting them.

Crazy_J · 10-April-04, 01:54 AM

Turn on some tornado fans in your bedroom. I used to have 4 running in my room all the time. I slept the best when I had these fans. The only bad thing is you can't rely on a alarm clock and may miss some phone calls.

------------------------------

OOPS.. I just relize I'm stealing Anathema's show.. I mean borrowing. Sry..I'll shut up now and try to carry a conversation my dog.

10-April-04, 12:44 AM		#1 (permalink)
Anathema Apex Tech Demi-God	Anathema's Advice Corner Do you have issues that you need help working out? Is your life in a downward spiral? Unlucky in love? Finances in shambles? Are you at the end of your rope? Well, have no fear, weary advice-seeker! Help has arrived. For a small fee of your pride and self-respect (if you lack these, $50 will do), I will help you solve ALL your problems! If you are in need of a helpful hand, and have nobody else to turn to, I'm here for you! I'm located in the dark, smoky back room of the Sock & Feather, located 2 blocks south of the Anything Goes Parlour! When you arrive, just ask for the saucy wench with the cleavage. The bartender will direct you where you need to go! Come in today, and let me help you out!* *Advice provided by Anathema is for entertainment purposes only. Do not take this seriously, unless you really want to!

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10-April-04, 12:48 AM		#2 (permalink)
KayinStorm Apex Tech God	Yeah, she was just so convincing, I had to let her open up shop... Good to have you Ana, I'm glad to see I'll have help here. I'll bet you can match, too...

10-April-04, 12:51 AM		#3 (permalink)
Crazy_J Apex Tech Demi-God	I'll be the first one to pull up a chair. My dog keeps on laughing at me. I don't know why. I ask her multiple times whats wrong and she just stares at me with her evil K9 eyes. Is there something I did wrong? Each time I get her a scoobie snack she tries to take me finger with it. Oh yeah.. .and I can't stand her shifting eyes. It really scares me and then she starts laughing at me again. Am I the one with a problem, or does the dog have a problem? *This story may be exaggerated a little bit to save my identity and my dignity.****

10-April-04, 12:54 AM		#4 (permalink)
Iateronmly Smooth Operator	Okay okay.. I'll bite... Dear Anathema, I'm hoping you can help with a small problem I've had recently. It seems like I can't ever find women I can connect with. I'm a man of the world - I have a great deal of knowledge involving computers and fish.. why do women throw drinks in my face instead of offering nightcaps?! I even tried bathing once washing away the smell of Alaskan money and that didn't help either. I'm at my wits end, I ain't livin' long like this. Sincerly Sexless in Alaska.

10-April-04, 12:56 AM		#5 (permalink)
TYCOON Apex Tech God	LOL @ Crazy_J

10-April-04, 01:05 AM		#9 (permalink)
KayinStorm Apex Tech God	Ana, your presence has been requested on IM by Mr. Duckwarrior and I....

10-April-04, 01:10 AM		#11 (permalink)
AltoNova1 Apex Master Tech	Dear "saucy wench with the cleavage" (that's what the batender said), What in the world is wrong with me? I'm trying to hook up with a girl but within the first 5 minutes of meeting her I'm suddenly her "new girlfriend"? What the heck? Anyways, should I be more mean and obnoxious like my playa friend or should I just be a jerk? I'm told that for some reason women like jerks. Thanks for your advice and settin up shop. Oh, btw here's your payment. (pulls out 3 cents and a length of string) Sincerely, IHaveNoIdea isn't it fun when you can't tell if someone is being sarcastic?

10-April-04, 01:20 AM		#12 (permalink)
KayinStorm Apex Tech God	Women want jerks for a fling but settle down with nice guys. Remember that. And I did not say that. I'm better mannered.

10-April-04, 01:31 AM		#13 (permalink)
DuplexEmotions Bi P-Hoe-lar	I have an honest question, if you want to give me advice. Any ideas on how to sleep better? I asked this once on the RealLife forums, and I got told to put amythist under my pillow and masturbate. Neither helps. Actually, it's gotten worse. It takes me a few hours to fall asleep, and once I fall asleep I have vivid dreams that aren't nightmares in the way that the content is frightening (the content is actually me doing normal daily activities), but the dreams are vivid enough to frighten me until it takes me another couple hours to fall asleep. It's really starting to wear me down. Sincerely, John (too lazy to be clever at 1 in the morning)

10-April-04, 01:41 AM		#15 (permalink)
KayinStorm Apex Tech God	Well, try this. Try being in your bedroom only to sleep. Don't watch TV in there, don't play with Legos in there, don't torture cats in there. By doing so, you reinforce the idea that when you go to bed, it is time for sleep. Also, try exercising before bed. For some, it tires them out enough to get them to sleep. Warm milk, however cliched, does contain chemical compounds that help you sleep, as does turkey. Also, try sleeping with a pillow between your knees. I dunno, works for me. Enjoy...

10-April-04, 01:42 AM		#16 (permalink)
DuplexEmotions Bi P-Hoe-lar	I can't really do that, Altonova. I enjoy that stuff, and I've been known to go without sleeping just to read. Edit because KayinStorm posted while I was posting: I do sleep with a pillow between my legs. I can't move out and do things out of my room, there isn't space in the house to put my computer and such. I can't exercise because I have breathing problems that would result in eternal night, if you catch my drift. thanks, though.

10-April-04, 01:47 AM		#17 (permalink)
Crazy_J Apex Tech Demi-God	I use to Pray the Rosary in bed. I always fell asleep before finishing it. Even if you don't believe in religous stuff..still try it because I bet it will put you to sleep. Just my 2 cents. Edit -------------------- Maybe you need to see a chiropractor?

10-April-04, 01:50 AM		#18 (permalink)
AltoNova1 Apex Master Tech	DE, why don't you try "mixing things up" a bit. like sleep with your head on the other side of the bed. sleep on a different side, face down, etc etc. or sometimes what i do is if i find i have trouble falling asleep i'll sleep somewhere else. sometimes i can't sleep on my bed so i'll grab a sleeping bag and sleep on the floor or i can't sleep in my room so i'll sleep on the couch in the living room. i don't know what's accessible to you but i think it's worth a shot shrug

10-April-04, 01:50 AM		#19 (permalink)
DuplexEmotions Bi P-Hoe-lar	after all I've seen from religion, I can't bring myself to pray. any time I try to do chants, my mind starts wandering and before I know it I've written a short story in my head. Maybe I should start posting them.

10-April-04, 01:54 AM		#20 (permalink)
Crazy_J Apex Tech Demi-God	Turn on some tornado fans in your bedroom. I used to have 4 running in my room all the time. I slept the best when I had these fans. The only bad thing is you can't rely on a alarm clock and may miss some phone calls. ------------------------------ OOPS.. I just relize I'm stealing Anathema's show.. I mean borrowing. Sry..I'll shut up now and try to carry a conversation my dog.