Top 10 Things your Dad should have told you about, but was probably too embarrassed


BO, or rather, avoiding smelling like a badger has crawled into your armpits & died can be combated in the following ways:
* Washing & using an antiperspirant deodorant;
* Avoiding man made fibres – cotton is the way to go, and make sure it’s a clean shirt every day;
* Shaving your pits: less hair means less surface area, which means less bacteria, which means less pong. Besides which, looking like you’ve got a nest of long-legged spiders trying to escape is ever going to be attractive IMO.


Acne – you _will_ get it if you’re of a certain age, but you can have less – take multivitamin pills, wash your face regularly & hair at least daily, and change your pillowcase every night. Your quack may also be willing to give you low-dose antibiotics.


Stinky Feet are best dealt with by washing in plain warm water a couple of times a day (no soap, especially antibacterial ones), a large supply of socks (cotton), avoiding shoes made from man-made materials, and not wearing the same shoes every day – give them a day off after wearing to give them a chance to dry out.
While I’m on the subject of feet, nominate a towel for your feet & don’t use it on other parts of your anatomy. To be specific, DO NOT use it for your plums. There’s a kind of fungus that can live on your feet that will do extremely nasty things to “the boys”, and the first thing you’ll know about it will be waking in agony in the middle of the night with a cojone the size of a tennis ball. The only treatment is removal, technically, an “orchidectomy”.


IRS… the abbreviated form of Itchy Ring Syndrome … if you’re not following me, I’m talking about one of the planets here … i.e. Uranus. It’ll drive you nuts if you’re a sufferer, so wash after every “evacuation” (aka “laid a cable”, “dropped the kids off at the pool”, “bombing Dresden”, etc), and apply an appropriate cream – Preparation H, Germaloids (a bit tingly for my liking), or, (my personal favorite) Anusol. And yes, I do feel I might as well be wearing a T-shirt that says, in big letters, “Look at me! I have an Itchy Ring!” when I buy it.


Fashion. I’ve never been fashionable in my life (at least not deliberately), but I can at least say that from my teenage years onwards, I never looked liked my mother did my shopping for me. The easiest way to do this (here comes the science) is _not letting your mother shop for you_. All I can really say other than that is avoid stripes, patterns, geeky logos, etc. Never wear brown shoes with black trousers, and make sure that your trousers are longer than your legs. Avoid anything that isn’t made from natural materials.


Women. What I know about this subject could probably be written on the back of a stamp without resorting to particularly small writing, but here goes…
Don’t smell bad, don’t look like your mother does your clothes shopping, and study female anatomy, erogenous zones (I mean with a text book, don’t just accost someone on the street), and, um, _latin_. Aim to be like that hypothetical starving man coming of a desert island & the roast chicken Kevin Smith talked about. I mean, if you do get a jump, you want to be asked back for more.
Confidence is everything … but not the sort of confidence you get by setting out to feel & act confident, no, I’m talking about the sort of unconscious confidence that comes only with already being happily attached & not actively looking. Vicious circle, huh? Ain’t life a bitch. All you can do is not try too hard. Being short & slightly poofy appears to help too, but “better no minge than mince” if you ask me.


Intestacy. Despite sounding to the contrary, this has nothing to do with “the boys”. It means being “intestate” (ditto) – i.e. not having a last will and testament, and more specifically, _dying_ without having a made a will. Marriage gives spouses a lot of protection from this, but with cohabitation being increasingly popular, it’s a rising problem. In most cases you’d want you other half to have anything you leave behind, and assume that would be the case. Not so – it’ll depend on your country (or state) you’re in, but the taxman could grab a huge slice of your estate, and/or relatives can claim too. Every man has his price they say, and from direct personal experience, the amount required to get f***ed over can be as little as ?1500 GBP ($3000 USD).


Mates/buds. Fundamentally, don’t be a “first out of the taxi, last to the bar” kind of guy, NEVER hit on a guy’s sister if you’ve known him more than 24 hours. Be reliable (unless you’ve got a really good excuse), lend tools and money when you have too, be diligent in returning same quickly, and don’t **** with a man’s vehicle.


Shaving. Your face I mean. If you’re lucky, you’ll have thin hair and thick skin. In my case though, it’s unnatural hirsuteness & sensitive skin. If you’re the same & have to shave every day, go electric. Braun are the best built razors, but are not that effective IMO. Remington on the other hand are not built too last, are noisy, but make your cheeks as smooth as freshly powered baby’s … cheeks.
If you can get away with not shaving every day, don’t, but don’t push it too far – at lest keep it tidy.


Condoms are the second best defence against sexually transmitted diseases … the best defence is of course becoming a monk. No form of contraception is 100%, so if you’re going to do it like they do it on Discovery Channel, two forms are better than one, and keeping enough cash in your wallet for a taxi ride & a bus out of town is even better. I’m joking about that bit.

I know it's not up there with Wixx and the bear, but c'mon, no one has any comments? Not even abusive ones?

About shaving...I have a mix of German and American Indian blood in me, so that leaves me in a pickle.

The hair shafts are really thick, but it grows in pretty thin. I can't grow a damned mustache for the life of me and if I go more than three days without shaving, I look like Joe Dirt. Plus, every time I shave, it's like using an rake rather than a razor.

My solution?

I just got laser hair removal surgery. I'll never have to buy another razor again, which will save more than the $500 I just spent on it, plus my time in the morning that I spent shaving and yelling.

Shaving the pits seems.... rather girlie. Good logic behind it, but really, don't want women's pits to look like a dude's and vice versa.

Thanks for the bit about fungal contamination of the Yam sack.

But all in all, a good read.

PS - Care to translate ?better no minge than mince??

Minge is to the best of my knowledge the pubes of a woman, also used as a term for a vagina.

And mince is used to describe homosexual behavior.

Which would translate the saying to "better no poontang than to act queer."


Am I close JE?

Quote: Originally Posted by 4x0n Minge is to the best of my knowledge the pubes of a woman, also used as a term for a vagina. And mince is used to describe homosexual behavior. Which would translate the saying to "better no poontang than to act queer." Am I close JE?

Yup ... I don't think I would have put it _quite_ so bluntly though

I don't have a problem with anyone's sexuality, just when they seem to think it's a requirement of travelling on the _other bus_ to act like Mr Humphries from Are You Being Served?

Quote: Originally Posted by Jonny English Yup ... I don't think I would have put it _quite_ so bluntly though I don't have a problem with anyone's sexuality, just when they seem to think it's a requirement of travelling on the _other bus_ to act like Mr Humphries from Are You Being Served?

ps that's a fearsome haircut - a man walks down the street with hair like that, you know he's not afraid of anything

Quote: Originally Posted by Jonny English ps that's a fearsome haircut - a man walks down the street with hair like that, you know he's not afraid of anything

Thanks Did it as a joke actually but it doesn't look half bad, not to mention the fact my face slims down and I look taller with it

I was gonna post last night, but I came into this thread. Saw this:



And left.

Quote: Originally Posted by Dex I was gonna post last night, but I came into this thread. Saw this: And left.

That whizzes all over the "free range chickens" ad I got

Quote: Originally Posted by Jonny English That whizzes all over the "free range chickens" ad I got

What... the Pantie Stories link wasn't up to snuff?

Here's one for the "Women" topic ...

Act interested at first, then walk away before they get the chance to. This both annoys them and makes them think you're not interested. There's no woman more interested in a man than a woman who thinks the man isn't interested in her.



-godling

rofl, wow this is great, good advice but funny how you phrased it.

Quote: Originally Posted by .insane rofl, wow this is great, good advice but funny how you phrased it.

Its a spontanious thing called 'wit', you might just develop some yourself one day

Quote: Originally Posted by Dex Its a spontanious thing called 'wit', you might just develop some yourself one day

Really? You think?

He might develop some sarcasm too.

Quote: Originally Posted by Im_gumby Really? You think? He might develop some sarcasm too.

Oh, Oh, let me know when he does. Now, that's always a great read.

mom

I'm curious as to how being "spontanious" can take time to develop?

Quote: Originally Posted by Jonny English I'm curious as to how being "spontanious" can take time to develop?

SEE, SEE, He never lets me down. Kind of sad that I live for his posts, but I do.

mom

And then we have Dr. Samurai...