Seriously, it might just be me, but the past two weeks or so were the longest weeks ever. Completely sucks man
Oh well...gonna go see V for Vendetta right after I post these jokes. And tomorrow I think Bengies Drive in opens so as long as the weather holds out that'll be good times.
And on that note...Joke time!

First set of jokes were sent in by a buddy of mine. He sent a bunch of quick jokes and one liners, so I'll just poste'em together:

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food
in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A
beer please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony
wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste
funny to you?"
The patrient says, "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of
home.'" The doctor replies, "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." The
patient asks, "Is it common?" The doctor says, "It's not unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I
was artificially inseminated this morning." Dolly says, "I don't believe
you." "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're
nuts."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The
other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull**** before.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" The vet says, "Well, let's have a look
at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." The man
exclaims, "What?! Because he's cross-eyed??!" The vet replies, "No,
because he's really
heavy."
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or
maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm
pretty sure it's Colin.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't
reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No. The steaks are too
high."
A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've
cut off your arms."
I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.
A duck walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist, "Give me some
Chapstick and put it on my bill."

Thanks for the jokes man!

And last one....

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his
life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private
Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes
a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry,
Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down
the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his
pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking
down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part
back inside your pajamas."
But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you
yesterday that my Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out
of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.
"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing"

lol gotta love old people

Alright crew I'm outta here. Time to finish my bowl of cereal, or what I'd like to call dinner...and head to the theaters to see this Vendetta thing.
Have a great weekend guys

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cursing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
__________________________________________________ ________________________________
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

I loved that last one!