Well I gotta apologize, there won't be any introduction to this weeks jokes. Brother in law just called and said his PC took a dump on'em, guess there won't be any happy hour this friday night eh Ah well...gotta do what you gotta do...So here we go! Enjoy



I don't know why I find this first joke funny...but I do


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
* a half-gallon of 2% milk,
* a carton of eggs,
* a quart of orange juice,
* a head of romaine lettuce,
* a 2 lb. can of coffee,
* and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to Check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

And last one from me....

Little Johnny was so excited about what he saw after school that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

These next two were given to me by some other users in another forum...thanks guys!




The pope was sitting in his chair at the vatican when the 7 dwarves came up. Grumpy came out of the group and asked the pope "Mr. Pope. I was wondering if there are any dwarf nuns here at the vatican." Looking quite puzzled the Pope replied "Well, no Dopey I dont believe there are any Dwarf Nuns here." The group of 6 dwarves started giggling but Grumpy turned around to quiet them down. Grumpy spoke again "Mr. Pope I was wondering if there are any dwarf nuns in Italy." The Pope, again puzzled by this question, replied "No Dopey I dont think there are any dwarf nuns in all of Italy" The group of 6 dwarves started to giggle more loudly. Grumpy turned around angrily and yelled "Shut up!" Grumpy turned around and asked the Pope one more time "Mr. Pope I was wondering if there were any dwarf nuns in all of Europe" The Pope answered once again "Grumpy, there are no warf nuns in Europe" The group of Dwarves howled with laughter, chanting "Grumpy screwed a penguin! Grumpy screwed a penguin!"

And one more...



A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."



Thanks for the jokes guys, and I'm outta here for the night. Have a great weekend and dont' do anything I wouldn't do

I missed last week when I was on vacation, in guess where? Baltimore, MD. Shadowed my uncle who's a doctor to get an idea of what I'm planning on getting myself into.

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"
__________________________________________________ ______________________________
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
__________________________________________________ ______________________________
A man is in court for murder and the judge says 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.'
Then a voice at the back of the court says, 'you bastard.'

Then the judge continues, 'you are also charged With beating Your daughter to death with a hammer.'

Again the voice at the back of the court says, 'you bastard.'

The judge says, 'now we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge You With contempt, now what is the problem?'

Then the man at the back of the court says, 'fifteen years I lived nextdoor to that bastard and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!'

Oh sweet, how was your vacation man? Did you enjoy the humidity and horrible weather that Baltimore had to offer you last week?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH@ the dwarf joke! Love the hammer thing, too!


Ok, one morning at the convent, Mother Superior addresses the nuns.

"Today is renovation day. We will be remodeling the convent. I want all of you to return to your rooms and repaint the walls."

Two particular nuns went to the room they shared, and one said, "If we paint with our habits on, we will surely ruin them." The other agreed, and they decided to paint in the nude.

Shortly, there was a knock at the door. Startled, one nun asked, "Who is it?"

The reply came back, "It's the blind man."

"Oh, come on in," the nun giggled.

A man entered the room, carrying boxes. "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want these blinds?"

Quote: Originally Posted by hp07 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH@ the dwarf joke! Love the hammer thing, too! Ok, one morning at the convent, Mother Superior addresses the nuns. "Today is renovation day. We will be remodeling the convent. I want all of you to return to your rooms and repaint the walls." Two particular nuns went to the room they shared, and one said, "If we paint with our habits on, we will surely ruin them." The other agreed, and they decided to paint in the nude. Shortly, there was a knock at the door. Startled, one nun asked, "Who is it?" The reply came back, "It's the blind man." "Oh, come on in," the nun giggled. A man entered the room, carrying boxes. "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want these blinds?"

lol! Nothing wrong with a free show

Well, since I may not be around much tomorrow, I'll leave a parting joke today (just in case, you know).


CEO's from three major breweries, Budweiser, Miller, and Guiness, met for dinner following a beer maker's conference.

The CEO from Bud ordered ribs and a Budweiser.

The CEO from Miller ordered chicken and a Miller Lite.

The CEO from Guiness ordered steak and a Coke.

"You don't want a Guiness?" asked the waiter.

"Nope, if they aren't drinking, neither am I!"

Quote: Originally Posted by hp07 "Nope, if they aren't drinking, neither am I!"

Haha good one!