Okay... this was going to be a VERY lengthy guide to tweaking the ever-lovin' CRAP out of Win XP. As I experienced a little instability, I'm gonna wait to make sure everythin' is gonna stay stable before I post it all. Tweakin' ain't fun if it blows up your rig...

WHAT TO TELL PEOPLE YOU DO:

Okay... so the minute people get the idea that you're a pimped-out, 3l337 h4x0r with god-like technical skills... they want a piece of you. Usually it's that neighbor who keeps borrowing your tools, and wants to talk about stuff that bores the crap out of you... like his stamp collection he just started (translation... it has today's stamps and nothin' else).

If you're ever found out as the PC guru you are... it's time to come up with somethin' quick, or become your neighbors bitch whenever he blows up his operating system or can't figure out why his E-mail program keeps beeping everytime he gets new mail....

Thus, it is time for:

TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR PC GURUS:

BEFORE they know you're a computer guru:

1. "I'm an MCSE working for SMS is the MIS department... cool, huh?" (even some new techs will say "HUH?!?")

2. "I work with silicon, copper and aluminum technologies... I'd go into detail, but I'd probably bore you."

3. I'm a technology consultant... this has been fun, but I have to go... the joys of being a consultant is you're always busy.

(Just make sure to drive home HOW busy you are every time you talk to them... If they catch you getting a tan while reading "Playdude", then just tell 'em you're just taking advantage of your code compiling, you suppose you should get back to it...)

4. I'm big on networking. (usually people take this to mean you go to a bunch of meetings to meet influential people).

5. In the word's of Sargeant Schulz off of "Hogan's Heroes"... "I know NOTHING! NOTHIIIIIIIIIING!"

WHAT TO DO IF THEY FIGURE OUT YOU ARE A PC GURU:

1. "Oh sure, I can help you with your problems. I freelance... I work for 30 bucks an hour, minimum of an hour's charge. (adjust for your area, or profession). Did you want to schedule a time for me to come over?"

I've used this one recently... haven't heard from 'em since...

2. "Yeah, I could look at your rig. I'll need some time though, I have a couple of things I've been wanting to just finish up. The FBI told me I can't come within 30 feet of another computer for the next year or so, so I hope you can keep quiet. Geez... one act of cyber-terrorism, and a couple of viruses, and everyone blows a gasket!"

3. Yeah, I love computers. I LIVE for computers. I'd be happy to redo your setup for ergonomical correctness, reload your operating system, tweak it out for performance and update your files, reload your third party software, reorganize your registry, and test-drive a couple of your games... Hell, it should only take about 20 to 30 hours all in all, we'll have a blast! Have you ever seen all *40 episodes of the original star-trek? We can watch 'em while I'm loading everything. It'll be AWESOME! (if this doesn't scare them, be afraid... be VERY afraid).

4. Yep... I love computers. I remember back in 19-d1ckety-four when I got my first 8086. It only ran DOS, it was slow... they didn't have real sound back then, just a single speaker (continue the history lesson until they fall asleep and quietly slip away, they'll be so afraid you're upset they were rude for falling asleep, they'll avoid you).

5. "No, I don't work on PC COMPUTERS. I work for promoting PC... ya know... "political correctness". A good example, your "I love fishing" bumper-sticker is offensive to vegetarians... Also, I've noticed several things in your regular speaking that could be considered racist, and/or offensive to some obscure group. Stick with me, I'll make sure you never make those mistakes again!"

*- NOTE: I have NO clue how many original episodes of Star Trek there were... so don't quote me!

What makes it worse is when the vast majority of your high school realizes you know **** about computers. All of 2000 kids.

$60 to show up and $40 an hour. I still lost my weekends. Had to stop the consulting completely to get some time to myself.

I believe there are 79 original episodes....

I need to get a life.....

Soulless

Haha..good stuff man. Haven't read it all, gonna finish reading it when I'm done with these customers

"Stick with me. I'll make sure you never make those mistakes again" haha..

good stuff man. i charge 50buxors an hour, with a min of an hour charge. and soooooo far its worked like a charm no one wanting n e thing yet.