I appologize if I've been less than my jovial self.

In the span of the past month, my grandmother passed after a protracted bout with Alzheimer's and most recently, my wife's grandmother of a very fast acting cancer.

I know the demographics of this site are skewed towards those under 25, so you probably haven't experienced the emotionally draining, mind-numbingly boring, and awkward experience that is a funeral.

As my wife was just mentioning to me, in our late 20s it seems that all our friends got married (and we thankfully have gotten over that... I've had enough dollar dances and dry chicken meals to last a lifetime, but I digress), passed through the wave of baby showers, and now we are starting the waves of funerals. Logically, this is one of those things that will be happening with ever increasing frequency.

Here's a random thought: If you really believe that you can be brought back to life if you have your head/body frozen for medical science to improve and fix you in the future, is it appropriate to hold a funeral?

Here are a few (hopefully helpful) observations for you:

1. Attire - Unless made PAINFULLY clear by direction of the family, attire should always be conservative and somber. No bright colors, few sparkles, etc... Last night at the viewing, there were a couple of women who should have worn something different... for example: a woman in her mid 30s wore a black miniskirt which was short enough to only be appropriate to pick up guys at the bar. Men wore suits as well as "business casual" clothing. Please think again if you are planning on wearing jeans or shorts. On the other hand, without these people, there would be even less to talk about.

2. Talking points - The thing with funerals (and viewings) is that you are forcing a whole bunch of people together under less than happy circumstances. When this happens, you find youself huddled in small groups of 5-6 people whom you know well, as the majority of the people attending will be unfamiliar to you (depending on your relationship with the deceased.) Even if you know these people really well, chances are you won't be saying much. Conversations don't flow naturally in the presence of a dead body. Try to have some small talk ready to go before attending if you want to avoid the standing in silence. Do try to keep it appropriate: recounting Paris Hilton's latest hamburger ad in detail just wouldn't be right. And don't force it, as then you will give the impression you don't really care.

3. Attendance - If you are a member of the family, it is mandatory unless you have prior commitments which can't be cancelled... such as you (or your child) are graduating. Vacations don't count. Unless you have already been ostrasized by the rest of the family, not showing up is a way to cause deep divides with your family members which may never heal.

4. How long do I have to stay - It is proportional to the closeness of your relationship to the deceased. If it is immediate family, you will be there the whole time (see #3.) If it is an aquaintance, perhaps 45 minutes to an hour.

5. Why do I have to go? - The main reason is for the surviving family. You are there to lend your support, tell them that the person meant a lot to you, ask how they are coping, etc... Funerals are more to help them with their grief than for you to deal with yours. You will understand when you are part of the family "hosting" the funeral rather than simply attending.



For more information: http://dying.about.com/od/funeraletiquette/


Hopefully you will not have to deal with this any time soon, but like the saying goes: nothing is constant except death and taxes.

Damn gumby thats a harsh month.

I turned 18 in March of this year. Only two months later a friend of mine, also recently turned 18, was killed in a car accident.

Two other friends were also in the car with him, but escaped with serious head injuries. Ive known these guys since before High School, at least 10 years, and it was so hard to go through. That was the first funeral ive been to that i will remember. The only other funeral was when my Granny passed on when i was 8 months old.

It certainly made me realise that as you grow older, you have to deal with all these ****ty things as there are going to be plenty.

And in regards to that FAQ, the bit about children at funerals. Not ones under 1 yeas of age. There was this one kid at my friends funeral, making silly noises all the way through. I know it doesnt know any better, but it didnt make anybody in the room feel better either.

Also, attempt to go sober. At a recent funeral there were a few guys who decided to honor the deceased with a beer or nine prior to the funeral. They staggered in reeking of alcohol and even though they attempted to be discreet, they still made asses of themselves.

Save the toasts till after the ceremony.

I had a nice stiff drink before the ceremony. Double JD and coke, just for my nerves.

I've been to 10 at least . . . not fun, in any respect. . . and like you said, Gumby, but if you don't go . . . **** happens. -_-

Been to my fair share too. Mostly family but some friends as well. The family ones...oddly enough...were the most fun. My dad has 7 brothers and sisters who got in a habit of procreating so when the family gathers we could equal a small town. The night before the funeral is usually a good drink and then funeral day quite somber but the evening tends to turn all these weird feelings loose. Most people just sit and drink and tell the best memories of that person which tend to be on the funny side of things. I guess you could call it a wake but we're German so maybe a "Vacke".

The friends (or even a couple of my younger cousins) are tougher on me personally as there was so much life left there that has now been wasted for whatever reason. I breakdown at those not because I am sad for my loss but moreso for their family. Parents should never outlast their children and they should never have to see one be put in the ground. ( I look at my girls and I pray and pray that as long as I live they will be walking this earth as well.) The worst thing about these ones is that you are the minority sector of the ceremony and such. It's mostly made up of family that you may or may not have known well and who will stick together like glue. So after the ceremony and after you have given condolances to the family (which is the worst part...Hi I'm a freind of "bob" he was a really great guy and he will always be missed but I will always hold a special place for his friendship. I am so sorry for your loss....I always feel like an ass at that point but what else do you say that won't take an hour and hold up the line???), go to a restaurant they would have liked or did enjoy and raise a glass in their name.

In the end, whatever you do, never forget them....This thread brought back a lot of good memories I had forgotten and thats a good thing....

I havent been to a funeral...I dunno why...just havent been to one yet. Ive had 2 family members lost to cancer. One was a slow and painful death, the other quick. Unfortunatly, Ive lost a friend too...but thats a whole other story.

I remember the feeling though..the day somone dies..theres..a silence every where u go that day..everything seems so quiet and peaceful...and you have that empty feeling.

Everyday though Im beleaving more and more..Life is hell..and heaven put together...but thats going to deep into what I beleave in..

Sorry uve had tough months....We all have gone through our share of pain. Pain is a way of communication to other people. When one is in pain, others come to our side thus forming a group, a community if you will...

Time for one of my infamous quotes...

Quote: I want to live. I'll live tommrow, the next day and the day after that. I'll keep on living even if I have to suffer.

I can definitely empathize here. Last month I lost both my father and grandmother in a 2 week timeframe. I learned a few things, myself.

Sometimes, the "good old days" make a lot of sense. My father's funeral was held in our home, after the immediate family had "set up with the dead" all day. This resulted in nobody but family and close friends attending. The setting was the house he had lived happily in for over 30 years. There was no attire that you would have never caught dad in, no stranger greeting you and saying how sorry he/she is for your loss, no church that dad never stepped a foot in. Dad did all of his talking to God from his house or from the woods we hunted in. We did our talking from there that night.

Dad wanted to be cremated, and we followed through with it. When the weather cooperates, my brothers and I are to scatter his ashes in Forker Timber, the woods he taught us all to hunt in. We all have a lot of good memories from that place, and it's a fitting spot for him to rest as he spent every minute there he could.

My dad had a tradition of writing memorial poetry for family that passed. My mother asked me "who will write his?"

ABOUT A HERO

When I was but a boy,
I always dreamed I'd be
one of many heroes
I watched on my TV.

Someone you could turn to
whenever you needed a friend.
Someone who'd be there for you,
behind you 'til the end.

With stories to make you laugh,
and shoulders to catch you tears,
a man of strength and wisdom
to calm your every fear.

Well now that I'm much older,
it truly makes me glad
that I know such a hero,
a man that I call "Dad."

I read that at his funeral, and thanks to my dad, I never shed a tear. Someone asked how I managed to keep my composure, and they looked almost relieved to hear the explanation. I'll leave you all with the same...

"When people cry at funerals, they only cry for themselves. The dead are in a better place." - My Dad

hp07
Beautifully said, and a wonderful way to memorialize your Dad. Again nice to see you back and posting here.

I've had to endure quite a few funerals in the last 5 years.........Im_gumby's post is good in regards to insight for our younger members.....

I've been to at least 3 and I'm 14,

Quote: Originally Posted by hp07 "When people cry at funerals, they only cry for themselves. The dead are in a better place." - My Dad

That's a really nice quote, the poem your dad wrote was very moving also

My condolences too all,

Charles.

I'm sorry to hear about what each of you have endured. You're heartaches will help me through what's ahead.

I just found out in the last couple of days that my childrens grandma has developed an inoperable brain tumor over the course of the last 4 months. She doesn't want any "treatment." They are saying that she "might" last 3 months. Because the tumor is aggressive it's pretty much a crap shoot on time.

For the last 30 years she's been my "other mom." This is gonna be a tough one.