Well, if you haven't worked for a corporation that prides itself on "motivating" employees (aka: Boring the crap out of them), you might be asked about your "goals". Also, all company's talk to you about Sexual Harrassment, drug policies, and other crap...

I'm going to summarize how to turn three days worth of lectures
into 20 minutes!

GOAL SETTING:

Basically, a goal is this:

"What do I want to achieve, and how long 'til I get it... and what am I willing to do to get there. Be realistic."

So... that's pretty up front. Let's move on!

DRUGS:

"Piss in this cup... thank you for participating."

Wow... that was easy.

SEXUAL HARRASSMENT:

"DON'T FRIGGIN' TOUCH ANYONE... in between, don't talk to your fellow employees about any part of their, or your... or anyone else's bodies! Also... no jokes 'cause people take offense at EVERTHING these days."

Letsee... I'm up to what... 5 minutes presentation time... maybe?

RACIAL TOLERANCE:

"If you have any opinions about what people SHOULD be... keep 'em to your friggin' self and do what we're paying you for. If we catch you slurrin' anybody, you're toast...."

Moving on!

DRESS CODE:

"If I can see through it, or you're strainin' to get into it... don't come to work with it on."

Wow... I'm up to maybe 10 minutes... maybe?

INSURANCE:

"If ya wanna know, read the crap I just passed out."

WORKMAN'S COMP:

"If you're hurt by doing somethin' we asked you to, we'll pay you for being stupid, or for our being stupid. Either way, we hire people to watch you, so don't think of scamin' us."

PARKING:

"Park in the parking lot... I know that's a tough concept, but give it a shot."

SECURITY:

"If we catch you passing company secrets, we'll have you arrested. If we catch you stealing, you'll be fired. If we catch you having sex in your office, we'll send the video tapes to "Fox" for "On the Job: Caught on Tape 7".

Have I missed anything? Any Questions? Tough sheeyat, now GET BACK TO WORK!

Well... there ya go... I've compressed what takes a corporate trainer hours or even days to go through... I don't even need a friggin' video or spend time "discussing our feelings"...

I nominate myself for an "increased productivity award" and a bonus... Damn... I'm efficient!

Now all I need is a job

Why do you have to piss in a cup to have a job?

Grimm: It is how most plae run a drug test.

Just Like MY Job.
IT Really Sucks to have to listen too all the crap.!

Grimm, if you've done drugs recently, it will show up in your urine...

Also, some forms of drugs can be found in the fibers of your hair even YEARS later...

Most company's ask for a cup of urine for testing though...

I've only had to do that a couple of times... both of them were for jobs that SUCKED. I have a feeling they were so cheap they bottled my "sample" and sold it as "Sparkling Lemon Spring-Water".

speaking of corporate and management and such...heres a few funnies.....

Inspirational Posters For The Cubicle Era

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Raf... someone's been visiting "Despair.com".

LMAO, if you read it in news it cuts it off so it says

RACIAL TOLERANCE:

"If you have any


i started laughing as soon as i read that.. then realized that it wasnt the whole sentance.

I wish presentations on that crap could be made that easily.

It would spare so much pain and suffering, and make people like going to the first day or work more.

DESPAIR ROCKS!!!..lmao

I'm working in a Bell building right now installin fire alarm systems on night shift, that place is FULL of crappy little inspirational signs, white boards, and posters. Go figure, it's the telesales department...

"Sell 10 Cingulars - Free Krispy Kremes Tomorrow" was an actual message tonite. Oh, did I mention they have little scrolling led signs everywhere too?

Although, I do spy all those hundreds of empty terminals sitting there with "Please turn me into a folding slave" written all over them. Like I'd dare even think about trying anything, dagnabbit... LOL

yea, thats why i like my job being a tattoo artist. i tell my employees what to do, and if they don't like it they can quit. and if they complain too much they get fired. i'm the boss do as i say.
phuck leading by example.

My god, they actually test your urine for drugs as a condition of employment? That would not go over so well here. Work is work, private life is private life. As long as one doesn't interefere with the other what's the deal?

What else are they testing in your pee? Do they have to disclose what they found? Theoretically, they could run all types of tests from aids to diabetes to cancer. What would happen if they found that an employee had HIV or Aids and decided that they didn't want them in the office, could they be dismissed under the guise of "Bad Urine"? What about if you company has a group insurance plan and your urine tests positive for cancer? the unscroupulous company my decide that it is easier (and less costly) to terminate the employee before they start to use insurance plan to treat the cancer.

That scares me. Why would people agree to a condition like that?

Because most people dont have a choice, are you going to starve rather than agree to have you urine tested?

In my case, my work never made me sign any drug policies agreeing to let them test me or anything, and i work as a network admin for a law firm, go figure.

Wow, Dark, you just summarized my last 2 years' worth of meetings in 1 post. Add some in for "Team Building" and "Communication Skills" and I'd be all set.

My company hired some outside consultants to find out why morale was so bad. The #1 reason they found was "Bad communication between management and employees". So all us employees (no managers) had to take day-long workshops on improving our communication skills. I think the message management was trying to send was, "You think morale was bad BEFORE..."

Grimm: It doesn't go for every job. I'm not exactly sure what positions qualify or how they decide that, but the point of the test is this : if someone becomes reliant on drugs to get them through their days, then that person is generally unreliable in any workforce, and not worth hiring. I don't know what kind of drug usage you guys have up in the Toronto area, but here in Concord, California, my highschool was known for lots of cocaine. When you have people dealing with that in large amounts in a highschool, it becomes necessary to screen applicants once they begin to enter the workforce.

As for testing for STD's and cancer and such, that requires different methods of testing and costs more, so a potential employer finding out that you have cancer is not likely. Also, you sign a statement allowing them to test you for drugs, nothing else. So in a country where McDonald's gets sued for making hot coffee, that's an infringement of privacy suit waiting to happen.

Wow, that's really something. I never knew testing was so wide spread. Perhaps they should institute that rule for politicians! Most of them seem to be on dope a lot of the time anyway! Our PM can't speak either officaul language without screwing it up, and half the time he sounds like an idiot!

Grimm, I'll just use the presidential line "I didn't inhale... really!"
Actually, I was working in an area where it was all people fresh off the boat (so to speak), single Moms who had nowhere else to go, and people out of rehab (not one of my most glamorous jobs). We were ALL tested. Mostly 'cause the place had a high "accident" rate, and if you were doing drugs, the company could cancel any workman's comp...

Funky, I can do team building excersizes too!

Team Building:

See that work over there... Go get it! Go! Goood employees, yeah... I have a paycheck for you if you get it alllll done!

Communication Skills:

Tell you boss ONLY what s/he really need to know. The less you deal with your managers, the happier you're going to be. So, in conclusion, send in nonsense reports, filled with buzz words like "Project moving as scheduled, 22% done with fact-finding paradigm, establishing perimeters for budget meeting."

This gives your boss the illusion of "communication" and can be a real morale booster when you get the team involved in how much BS you can sling past your boss before they notice!

Ohhh Boy LMAO! We just got though with one of our little Sexual Harrasment seminars

And you sumrised it perfecly Dark DONT TOUCH ANYBODY!

Thanks Dark! Looks like I'm all covered now. If I get a promotion (read: "more blame for the same pay"), I'll hit you up for "Leadership Training".

You know, if you printed up impressive-looking certificates, you could charge for this stuff!