NOTE: This is complete and TOTAL BS. Also, this is probably in poor taste and has a lot of dark humor in it. However, I'm sure we'll be seeing a product like this soon...

NOW ANNOUNCING: "CONSEQUENCES: THE GAME"!

Yes, in a bold move by the public education system, "IQ Infinity+1 Games" and the school board has come up with a new game kids will be required to play instead of attending health class... it's called "Consequences", and every choice made by the player is bound to lead to disaster (just like the real thing).

Let's take an example mission:

Player Stats:

Name: Jane Doe
Age: 16

The game opens in a virtual school, where the player interacts with other students...

"Jane" has decided to accept John's invitation to the dance. This is the first and last choice made by the player.

CONSEQUENCES NOW BEGINS:

Jane goes to the dance, ends up in the backseat of John's '89 Ford and the "happy couple" end up with the following life path:

• Jane gets pregnant
  
• John disappears, ditching out before she can hit him up for child support... leaving Jane to foot ALL medical bills and everything else thereafter.
  
• Jane quits school, gets a job flipping burgers at 5 bucks an hour as she doesn't have any experience or education to do otherwise, as the date draws nearer to her "to a bundle of joy".
  
• Jane gets kicked out of the house, goes to live in a trailor park
  
• The child is born. No man wants Jane now, she gains a lot of weight in her depression and spends her declining years on the couch, screaming "Get Momma some more bon-bons and whiskey!"
  
• Jane dies years later... they need a crane to move her fat, bloated body off a sweat-stained couch from the 70s.
  

OR PLAY AS JOHN!

John is approached by a friend who asks him if he wants a single beer.

CONSEQUENCES BEGIN:

• John takes a drink, becomes an instant alcoholic, graduates up to drugs, sleeps with prostitutes, doesn't clean his needles and rots in a urine-smelling crack-house after AIDS kills him!
  

CONSEQUENCES: THE "EDUCATED" VIEW

Yes, educators are calling "Consequences"; "Easier than scaring the hell out of the little bastards ourselves".
The game is currently being distributed to every known school, with two sequels on the way, called "EVERYTHING CAUSES CANCER: Definitive Proof" and "Even with college: You'll be flipping burgers: A guide to looking for work in the future".

Some say that "Consequences" is a little over the top, and the suicide rate has been higher as kids don't feel they can make ANY right decisions (There are NO happy endings in "Consequences"). Educators believe this can be ended with a new game "Suicide is painful!", "Yes, There IS a HELL", or "We're going to eat your corpse when your dead" as another "scare tactic" to get kids to stop doing that.

Education Jacob C. Nobody says "The whole idea is to keep kids from doing ANYTHING until they turn into adults who can handle the depressing realities of the world. The whole idea behind "Consequences" is to keep kids from making any decisions, thus not making bad moves in life."

When asked what experiences he has with AIDS, car wrecks, alcohol, drugs, pregnancy, finding work in a tough economy, etc... he shrugged and said, "I'm just glad I grew up during better times. NO kid is ready to handle today's world."

As for topics covered by the game, IQ Infinity+1 games said "We tried to make the game as realistic as possible, including things like famine, wars, AIDS, drugs, smoking, drinking, throwing your life in the toilet over some "love-interest" that will leave you, car wrecks, Ebola, pregnancy, and things like being raped and/or killed in gangland (based on what city the player puts in as their location)".

They added, "We hired the most cynical people we could find for the original "Planning Session" for "Conseqences". I belive it's already working like a charm!"

A Child's Response:

Reporter: "Mike, how old are you?"
Mike: "AHHHHH! I can't talk to a stranger! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME MISTER! HELPPPPPPPPP!"
Reporter: Uhhh... I just wanted to ask you what you thought about the game "Consequences".
Mike: "There is no way out! They're going to get me... girls are evil... I hate myself for being a boy. I'll never drive a car! Please, I have to go home now... it's safe at home!"
Reporter: "What if someone broke in?"
Mike: "...."
Reporter: "Uhh... Mike.. Are you okay?"
Mike: "...."
Reporter: "Uhhh... someone call a Doctor. I think Mike just blew a fuse."
Mike: "..."
Reporter: "Well folks, it looks like it's working. Mike has made NO bad choices today! I'm sure once the doctors get his brain unstuck, he'll go and become a useful member of society."


Yes, "Consequences", coming to all schools near you!

Quote: Originally posted by Darksamurai .... "Suicide is painful!" ....

Damn! MASH totally lied to us!

Jon: I've done an extensive study into Suicide... I had all these people telling me "Well, I'd just eat a gun"... then I talked to a gal who's friend commited suicide. He locked himself in the bathroom, shot himself in the head... and missed a good spot... he lived for over a half an hour just muttering 'It hurts'... So I got to thinkin'... what OTHER ways are overrated?

Suicide is painful in 99 out of 100 cases. Poisons can rip you up before they bring a "peaceful" end. Locking yourself in a garage with a running car will burst all the capilaries in your face before you die... plus the choking.

So yep... MASH lied.



Anath: I've had all numbers of people ask me that... I'd give it a shot, but I keep livin' places with no comedy clubs. Besides... ya gotta have an act... and I just wing stuff... this came off my brain this morning...

just touch a transformer that will kill ya LOL j/k

Disclaimer: Under now way im resposible for your actions, and in know way can I be arrested or suied for your dumb actions moron.

Red... the problem with that is you're alive for your organs cooking, and your nerves frying.

If you really wanted something painless, you should try eating a bunch of painkillers then injecting yourself with something like morphine (a lot of it)*. Or you could just eat a shotgun, can't miss that way*.

*Not recommended.

Dark. Being a military man, I've had to deal with many suicides and attempted suicides. The attempted were easy, I just took them behind the barracks and kicked their ass. I told them if they ever tried it again that it would happen again.

Now understand that these are guys threatening to shave themselves to death with safety razors and OD on bufferin. You learn quickly in my business when to take it seriously. Fortunately, none of my soldiers have ever gone all the way. They were too scared I'd kick their ass again.

If you were to do it though, 160mph in a high performance car with the tunes cranked high and a beer between your legs. Right before you hit the tree/wall/solid object, you flick the cigarette out the window, give a smile, and close your eyes.

Akita... I did some time with the ambulance crew... small town ND, you didn't get too many suicide calls, however, you did have to know how to handle 'em if it ever did pop up...

The ways people decide to check out are really trippy... Still... I don't think I've ever laughed (not happy laughter... more sarcastic than anything) so hard when I was doing a course in Psychology and they got to "Death by Sexual Deviance". Ya wanna talk about ways I would NOT want my body found, holy sheeyat!

Sometimes somethin' can be pushed in a little... uhhh... too far. And it rips something open. I guess what was trippier was the fact it was the wives who had gone too far on the husbands...

Still.. .that one is pretty mild compared to some other stuff I probably shouldn't post here!

Let's just say I had a friend who's mother worked night shift in a hospital (nurse) in San Francisco... every night, a lot of people would find that light-bulbs are NOT a great sex toy!

well i have a related story from my father about unknowingly almost killing himself. Note:This was in the ealry 70's. He was comin back from a party pretty plastered, doin about 80 in his '69 Camaro SS when he plowed into a bridge abutment. Almost killed himself. So BA's way might work, cause cars now a days arent made out of the metal they were in the 60's. And one other thing i would change in BA's theroy is replace the cigarette with a joint (less painless that way).

Disclaimer:i wont be held accountable for ur dumb ass

Dark! I used to work for ND State Radio. We had a woman who ripped her boyfriends scrotum clean away from his balls. The ER folks put purified water on his exposed testes. OOPS! It seem purified water has a slight tingle to it. He didn't like it.

Only reason I mention this here is because your post is eerily close to my experience. In ND of all damn things. Which tribe?

I just realized what a "Dark" turn that this thread took.

For all you younger hoes and pimps, there is nothing more final than the end. And you know what? There is nothing more rewarding than what comes after the end.

The end for me when there was nothing left but hope. Even hope came to an end. But I refused to give up and refused to allow circumstances to get me down. I fought my way back until I reached where I am now.

I'm not rich, not famous, but I am fricking happy. If I had followed through with the bull**** I was thinking when I was young, I wouldn't have the joy I do now of 2 wonderful kids, a great wife, and a future that is wide open.

If you have the guts there is never an end. There is only "Ok, next". And each next is better than the previous. Experience is the greatest teacher any of us could know.

Just wanted you all to know my opinion.

Quote: Originally posted by bigakita I just realized what a "Dark" turn that this thread took. For all you younger hoes and pimps, there is nothing more final than the end. And you know what? There is nothing more rewarding than what comes after the end. The end for me when there was nothing left but hope. Even hope came to an end. But I refused to give up and refused to allow circumstances to get me down. I fought my way back until I reached where I am now. I'm not rich, not famous, but I am fricking happy. If I had followed through with the bull**** I was thinking when I was young, I wouldn't have the joy I do now of 2 wonderful kids, a great wife, and a future that is wide open. If you have the guts there is never an end. There is only "Ok, next". And each next is better than the previous. Experience is the greatest teacher any of us could know. Just wanted you all to know my opinion.

Well said, bigakita. Very cool and uplifting post (for me personally). I'll remember these words of yours if I ever manage to get myself in an emotional rut that might make me do something foolish. Thank you.

Uhhh... PEOPLE OF PR... DO NOT COMMIT SUICIDE...

We need the post count

Actually... we'll eat your corpse! Yeah... that's the ticket

Quote: Originally posted by bigakita If you were to do it though, 160mph in a high performance car with the tunes cranked high and a beer between your legs. Right before you hit the tree/wall/solid object, you flick the cigarette out the window, give a smile, and close your eyes.

BA man something simliar happened infront of my uncle's house.. a kid got pulled over by a cop and the cop asked for his license and registration.. the kid took them out threw them at the cop and said "I don't need these anymore" and sped right into a tree.

Thats screwed up, If the schools my kids were attending made them sit through that, I would pull them and home school them.

Two things: On BA's 160mph theory, its too risky. A gun in your mouth (especially a shotgun or high powered weapon) is more definate. Most newer cars may not have as strong metal, but they have more safety features. Dark's post about sexual acts reminded me of a hilariously morbid thing I saw on Insomniac. Someone accidently hung themselves (auto erotic), and he had a vibrator in his ass as he was jackin' it. Well, after he died the vibrator kept going up his ass, and when the body finally got to the coroner's office it was still vibrating.

insomniac is a good show, but that is just disgusting.

Quote: Originally posted by DedEye Two things: On BA's 160mph theory, its too risky. A gun in your mouth (especially a shotgun or high powered weapon) is more definate. Most newer cars may not have as strong metal, but they have more safety features. Dark's post about sexual acts reminded me of a hilariously morbid thing I saw on Insomniac. Someone accidently hung themselves (auto erotic), and he had a vibrator in his ass as he was jackin' it. Well, after he died the vibrator kept going up his ass, and when the body finally got to the coroner's office it was still vibrating.

....Oh my god. Man. You'd think people would learn the dangers of autoerotic asphyxiation from the unfortunate experiences of others. Vicarious learning seems to be a lost concept. Darn shame.

I've recently read about a scandal about this site that promotes suicide...

This kid's method was a little extreme in my opinion... but it worked for him.

Kid got some gag-suppresants, a bottle of antifreeze and a jar of aspirin. You gobble a couple gag-suppresants, add the aspirin and take 'em with antifreeze... then you tie a plastic bag around your head, and wait 'til the end. Dead in under 30 minutes, and it's almost guaranteed...

I guess I can think of worse ways to go...

Also: I wouldn't want to check out in a car wreck... a lot of car-wrecks can leave you a vegetable.. and I don't think havin' some young punk in white, changin' my diaper and talking to me like an idiot child for the rest of my "life" would be much fun... (Listen to Metallica's "One" and you'll catch my drift)