Top Ten: Corporate Culture...

Darksamurai · 13-April-04, 01:14 AM

Yep, we were gathered together yesterday to celebrate what is commonly known as "cluelessness".

I'm not going to mention where I work (many of you know, but I don't wanna get sued), this may sound familiar!

TOP TEN: OVERUSED CORPORATE LINES:

1. Things are going to change around here!

WHAT THIS MEANS: You're going to work harder for no pay increase, mostly because we've reamed your supervisor and as they say... it rolls down hill...

2. We are going to be more like "Wal-Mart"!

This was quoted to us after the guy admitted he read an article in a newspaper about the family values Wal-Mart has... Most people I know who have worked for Wal-Mart have freakin' hated it (*1: not to be slanderin' Wal-Mart... I'm sure they're a decent, upstanding company)... but because this guy read an article, it's now "our new direction"!

3. New Slogans are created!

I won't repeat ours, but they did NOT like my suggestion of (*2) Stalin's "Not one step back!" catch-phrase...

4. The gullible will be motivated!

Yes, after our "time", most of us weren't overly psyched... we'd been with enough companies to realize the same, tired routine... the next group, they thought their company loved them, and all was well with their worlds. They came out with hope and joy... they were ready to go forth and take control of their lives... and that lasted for about 4 hours... then it dawned on them they were still at work, and not showing anything new for it.

Yes, another virgin employee deflowered to the harsh probe of corporate motivation.

5. We Care!

Yes, we care... We care about the fact your ass is lazy, and when your ass is lazy we don't make as much money as we could... so if the fact we might care is enough to make your pathetic ass work, so be it!

6. We predict next year will be our best ever!

WHAT THIS MEANS: We aren't hiring more people to reduce the massive amount of work stacking up. Good luck... if you quit, I'm sure your remaining coworkers won't mind filling in for you.

7. Set Goals!

WHAT THIS MEANS: If you think we gave you ANY happiness in your life, you might be inclined to do more work.

8. If you don't want to be here, go!

WHAT THIS MEANS: This is the standard way of weeding out the truly burned out. Nobody WANTS to be there dumbass, we need something called "money". Considering your suit costs more than I make a month, I think you may not understand why we might need it...

9. We must please every customer, or they'll go to our competitors!

WHAT THIS MEANS TO YOU: "Our competitors" will be probably be looking for employees soon... I bet I might get a raise due to my previous experience...

10. We'll be handing out these minature plaques to commemerate this meeting.

WHAT THIS MEANS: You'll be required to pin this "minature plaque" to your clothing somewhere... Yes, you'll get in trouble if it isn't on. Isn't this motivational?

*1: "decent" as in their lawyers will eat your shirt and cough up the buttons... I don't EVEN want 'em comin' after me!!!

*2: Does Stalin have lawyers?

Slick2145 · 13-April-04, 01:21 AM

Nice list DS.

I wish I could say the same about my job - but to be honest I actually enjoy were I work. It isn't that great paying of a job, but I enjoy it so it makes it worth while to me personally.

Again nice list.

Anathema · 13-April-04, 01:52 AM

Nice post, Dark!

Glad to see ya.. I see work is just as exciting as ever.

j-dogg · 13-April-04, 01:54 AM

Be glad you guys have jobs, I'm still trying to get one, though it's looking good right now, applied at MC assembly, so far they sound interested. I can only hope I get it, my birthday is the 16th and that's when I lose my health insurance benefeits and my Internet access since I havent found a job yet even though I can't afford to drive because gas is too freaking expensive and I have been out on my bike all week filling in application after application, 5 or 6 a day

I think I put on 50 miles today. Law of averages states after filling in so many applications sooner or later I should get hired. Oh well can't complain too much, I am a road cyclist after all. I could ride all day on three bottles of Powerade, how's that for fuel consumption

TiZakit · 13-April-04, 05:02 PM

Heh, don't forget that in many places, dilbert is an understatement.
anybody read way of the weasel?

Red02 · 13-April-04, 06:49 PM

LOL good stuff there DS I almost spit my tea all over my monitor

Hurt Me Plenty · 15-April-04, 12:48 AM

Nail on the head, Man.
Nail on the head...

Arc_Engel · 07-May-04, 10:41 AM

if OS's were airways...UNIX Airways

Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the
airport.
They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by
piece,
arguing non-stop about WHAT kind of plane they are supposed to be
building.

Air DOS

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and
let the
plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump
on
again, and so on ...

Mac Airlines

All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look
and act
exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are
gently
but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and
everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so
just
shut up.

Windows Air

The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy
baggage
check and boarding, and a smooth take-off.

After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning
whatsoever.

Windows NT Air

Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and
takes
out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air

Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start
their own
airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways
themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the
ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.

When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench
and a
copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is
very
comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single
problem,
the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other
airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do
what
with the seat?"

Im_gumby · 07-May-04, 10:47 AM

DW, loved the post, forwarded it to select personnel in my corp's training department.

Arc, loved yours too, but it wasn't relevant to the corporate culture topic. Perhaps next time start a new thread in the "anything goes" section and enjoy the credit for your contribution.

scapegoat · 07-May-04, 11:00 AM

Dark is it bad that my job has institued about 8 out of the 10

LOL

Good list

WareWolf · 31-July-06, 11:06 PM

Haha. Nice one!

Im_gumby · 01-August-06, 10:37 AM

Holy thread revival, batman!

godfoot · 01-August-06, 10:31 PM

It was in the PCA Update email sent out, hence the new traffic.

13-April-04, 01:14 AM		#1 (permalink)
Darksamurai Sam-Hoe-rai N-Hoe-mad	Top Ten: Corporate Culture... Yep, we were gathered together yesterday to celebrate what is commonly known as "cluelessness". I'm not going to mention where I work (many of you know, but I don't wanna get sued), this may sound familiar! TOP TEN: OVERUSED CORPORATE LINES: 1. Things are going to change around here! WHAT THIS MEANS: You're going to work harder for no pay increase, mostly because we've reamed your supervisor and as they say... it rolls down hill... 2. We are going to be more like "Wal-Mart"! This was quoted to us after the guy admitted he read an article in a newspaper about the family values Wal-Mart has... Most people I know who have worked for Wal-Mart have freakin' hated it (1: not to be slanderin' Wal-Mart... I'm sure they're a decent, upstanding company)... but because this guy read an article, it's now "our new direction"! 3. New Slogans are created! I won't repeat ours, but they did NOT like my suggestion of (2) Stalin's "Not one step back!" catch-phrase... 4. The gullible will be motivated! Yes, after our "time", most of us weren't overly psyched... we'd been with enough companies to realize the same, tired routine... the next group, they thought their company loved them, and all was well with their worlds. They came out with hope and joy... they were ready to go forth and take control of their lives... and that lasted for about 4 hours... then it dawned on them they were still at work, and not showing anything new for it. Yes, another virgin employee deflowered to the harsh probe of corporate motivation. 5. We Care! Yes, we care... We care about the fact your ass is lazy, and when your ass is lazy we don't make as much money as we could... so if the fact we might care is enough to make your pathetic ass work, so be it! 6. We predict next year will be our best ever! WHAT THIS MEANS: We aren't hiring more people to reduce the massive amount of work stacking up. Good luck... if you quit, I'm sure your remaining coworkers won't mind filling in for you. 7. Set Goals! WHAT THIS MEANS: If you think we gave you ANY happiness in your life, you might be inclined to do more work. 8. If you don't want to be here, go! WHAT THIS MEANS: This is the standard way of weeding out the truly burned out. Nobody WANTS to be there dumbass, we need something called "money". Considering your suit costs more than I make a month, I think you may not understand why we might need it... 9. We must please every customer, or they'll go to our competitors! WHAT THIS MEANS TO YOU: "Our competitors" will be probably be looking for employees soon... I bet I might get a raise due to my previous experience... 10. We'll be handing out these minature plaques to commemerate this meeting. WHAT THIS MEANS: You'll be required to pin this "minature plaque" to your clothing somewhere... Yes, you'll get in trouble if it isn't on. Isn't this motivational? 1: "decent" as in their lawyers will eat your shirt and cough up the buttons... I don't EVEN want 'em comin' after me!!! 2: Does Stalin have lawyers?

31-July-06, 11:06 PM		#11 (permalink)
WareWolf Apex Techie Wannabe	Re: Top Ten: Corporate Culture... Haha. Nice one!

01-August-06, 10:37 AM		#12 (permalink)
Im_gumby Slightly Silly Moderator	Re: Top Ten: Corporate Culture... Holy thread revival, batman!

01-August-06, 10:31 PM		#13 (permalink)
godfoot A George Orwell fan...sorta	Re: Top Ten: Corporate Culture... It was in the PCA Update email sent out, hence the new traffic.

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

13-April-04, 01:21 AM		#2 (permalink)
Slick2145 Apex Tech Fanatic	Nice list DS. I wish I could say the same about my job - but to be honest I actually enjoy were I work. It isn't that great paying of a job, but I enjoy it so it makes it worth while to me personally. Again nice list.

13-April-04, 01:52 AM		#3 (permalink)
Anathema Apex Tech Demi-God	Nice post, Dark! Glad to see ya.. I see work is just as exciting as ever.

13-April-04, 01:54 AM		#4 (permalink)
j-dogg Mystical Schwinn Guru	Be glad you guys have jobs, I'm still trying to get one, though it's looking good right now, applied at MC assembly, so far they sound interested. I can only hope I get it, my birthday is the 16th and that's when I lose my health insurance benefeits and my Internet access since I havent found a job yet even though I can't afford to drive because gas is too freaking expensive and I have been out on my bike all week filling in application after application, 5 or 6 a day I think I put on 50 miles today. Law of averages states after filling in so many applications sooner or later I should get hired. Oh well can't complain too much, I am a road cyclist after all. I could ride all day on three bottles of Powerade, how's that for fuel consumption

13-April-04, 05:02 PM		#5 (permalink)
TiZakit Apex Tech Demi-God	Heh, don't forget that in many places, dilbert is an understatement. anybody read way of the weasel?

13-April-04, 06:49 PM		#6 (permalink)
Red02 Freck-hoe-d	LOL good stuff there DS I almost spit my tea all over my monitor

15-April-04, 12:48 AM		#7 (permalink)
Hurt Me Plenty Apex Master Tech	Nail on the head, Man. Nail on the head...

07-May-04, 10:41 AM		#8 (permalink)
Arc_Engel Apex Techie Wannabe	if OS's were airways...UNIX Airways Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about WHAT kind of plane they are supposed to be building. Air DOS Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ... Mac Airlines All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up. Windows Air The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever. Windows NT Air Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes. Linux Air Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

07-May-04, 10:47 AM		#9 (permalink)
Im_gumby Slightly Silly Moderator	DW, loved the post, forwarded it to select personnel in my corp's training department. Arc, loved yours too, but it wasn't relevant to the corporate culture topic. Perhaps next time start a new thread in the "anything goes" section and enjoy the credit for your contribution.

07-May-04, 11:00 AM		#10 (permalink)
scapegoat Apex Tech God	Dark is it bad that my job has institued about 8 out of the 10 LOL Good list

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Slashdot // Culture Determines Which Emoticon You Use	Gizmo	Slashdot RSS	0	13-May-07 05:40 AM
The Register // Corporate culture and mobile email	Gizmo	The Register RSS	0	18-September-06 01:52 PM
Our PCApex Culture	Nerdz	Anything Goes	5	31-January-06 02:28 PM
The Register // Local councils adopt '24/7 culture'	Gizmo	The Register RSS	0	23-December-05 05:25 PM
Cubicle101 ::: Culture Shock	0v3rki11	Anything Goes	3	21-March-04 12:52 PM