Well gang... since Dr. Phil has managed to put his foot in it (repeatedly); I figure its time for a new half-assed psychologist! One with no credentials past a behavioral sciences class! A guy with morals and attitudes for the rest of us! Welcome Dr. Samurai!

Oprah wouldn't return my calls and the New York Times refused to tout my new book, "Stop Whining and Fix it Yourself, Dumbass!", so I appreciate you having me here on PCApex. I took a cue from Eddie Murphy and decided that playing every person in this interview would help annoy the living crap out of everyone!

Here are some samples from my new show!

Patient W: Dr. Samurai, I live alone with 20 cats and I'm ugly to boot. What homespun advice can you offer to help me get a date?

Dr. Samurai: Girlllll you need yourself a make-over! Oh wait... this isn't Rikki. FINE! I'll help you with your stupid, little psychological problems...

Here's some advice: lose 50 pounds, get to a dentist, give 18 of your cats to friends, buy a new wardrobe and for the love of a compassionate god, have the carpets cleaned. If that fails, I recommend a "personal massager" you twisted freak. Next!

Patient X: Dr. Samurai, I'm a man addicted to sex. I've been with hundreds of women but I still haven't found "Ms. Right". What should I do?

Dr. Samurai: Obviously any woman that would get involved with a jerk-off like you should have her head examined (if YOU have had sex with this loser, please call the Dr. Samurai show at the number on your screen). Try to date women who hate you; after enough time of spanking the evil hot-dog of desire yourself, you'll settle for the next woman who looks at you!

Patient Y: Dr. Samurai, my step-daughter doesn't respect me. She's 18 and thinks she's all that. She hits me, steals my car, I caught her in bed with the guy I'M having an affair with. What can I do?

I'd recommend having her whacked and never use the term "all that" around me again. Next!

Patient Y: WHAT?!?

Dr. Samurai: Geez, you people always want to have your cake and eat it too. You want street cred and fear; you gotta be willing to exert power. Stop bitching and get your gat! What, I gotta help you pull the trigger too?

Patient Y: No! I don't want her dead; I just want to have a better relationship with her!

Dr. Samurai: Bloody hell... look, I already have her booked on my next episode, "Help! My step-mother is trying to kill me!? Help a guy out already!

Patient Z: Dr. Samurai, I think my wife is cheating on me. What should I do?

Dr. Samurai: Get a video camera and follow her. If she's having an affair, start a video library and get used to watching it alone. Hope you like really depressing porno movies...


All this great advice can be yours! Order any of these great Dr. Samurai products:

Dr. Samurai's books:

"Quit Whining and Fix it Yourself, Dumbass!"
"Kill your emotions, They Make You Weak!"
"Yes, Everyone IS Out to Get You!"
"Don't Pee on my Leg and Tell Me It's Erotic"
"Rich Dad, Drunk Dad"
"The Seven Habits of Highly Annoying Idiots"
"The Dummies Guide to Developing Psychosomatic Disorders"
"Physician, Heel Thyself... good physician, have a biscuit"


Dr. Samurai's other products:

Dr. Samurai's Home Exercise Kit (It only RESEMBLES a "BowFlex"... the name has been carefully removed).

Dr. Samurai's old Subaru that needs a new heater-core (call me. I need the space it's taking up!)

Dr. Samurai's Gimmicky Crap of the Week

Contribute to the Dr. Samurai for president campaign (cash only).

Remember, if you need a Dr. Samurai product, you probably messed up bad. REAL bad! Order today!

You forgot to give away stuff and fawn over celebrities...
or pelt the audience with kooshes...
or begin the show with a hip dance move...
or figure out the paternity of a precious little snowflake...


Dude, you gotta have a hook!

Otherwise your target demo (for example: the mouth breather that asked Obama if "he believed in the flag") will never watch more than one.

Quote: Originally Posted by Im_gumby You forgot to give away stuff and fawn over celebrities... or pelt the audience with kooshes... or begin the show with a hip dance move... or figure out the paternity of a precious little snowflake... Dude, you gotta have a hook! Otherwise your target demo (for example: the mouth breather that asked Obama if "he believed in the flag") will never watch more than one.

Damn! You're right!

Ummm.. what if I danced with koosh balls while throwing shurikens at Tom Cruise? Then I can bring in a troop of adorable children to paint snowflakes on the wall in his blood! It'll sell!

Add: AND I'll sign a contract with some toy manufacturer to supply me with cheap, plastic crap so I can get endorsement mool-ah and give the cattl... uhh, my audience what they want!

Quote: Originally Posted by Darksamurai Damn! You're right! Ummm.. what if I danced with koosh balls while throwing shurikens at Tom Cruise? Then I can bring in a troop of adorable children to paint snowflakes on the wall in his blood! It'll sell! Add: AND I'll sign a contract with some toy manufacturer to supply me with cheap, plastic crap so I can get endorsement mool-ah and give the cattl... uhh, my audience what they want!

Will the plastic crap be made in China with lead based paint? I would hope so...

LOL! that was sweet!

Lol! How much for the suby!!! lol