Well gang,

Naturally, as I've returned to the "working" world, I'm struggling with my attitude.

I gotta admit, I love it when some n00b comes up and says with pride, "Yeah, I built my own rig."

Me: "Great, so what part can I help you find that you forgot? Or do you just need some free advice?"
N00b: "Uhh... I kind of need to know why Windows won't find my Modem from 1992."
Me: "Try using a modem not measured in BAUD. You can get a cheap 56K modem for 20 bucks."
N00b: "Can I just get my old modem operational? It always worked with my old computer."
Me: "Sorry, we don't deal in miracles here. Ya might try the Psychic Friends Network."
N00b: "Ya think that would work?!?"

Me: "Why wouldn't it?"

Okay, so I'm not that bad, but my inner "Network Administrator" is shrieking, "MAKE HIM CRY!"

I'm very much looking forward to the day they move me into a department where my attitude can be used once again! How much of a bad-ass do ya'll think I could be if I sold freezers?

"Geez, don't even know what a triple-frost system is?!? N00B!!! PWN3D!!!"

Anyway... moving on...

TOP TEN: WAYS TO ABUSE CUSTOMERS IN ELECTRONICS RETAIL!

1.

Customer: "I need a video card."
You: "What kind?"
Customer: "Could you explain to me how they work?"
You, fighting to be civil: "I've got about three hours worth of lecture material. Want a summary, or shall I wait for you to get pen and paper?"
Customer: "Uhh.. okay. Summarize I guess..."
You: "I'll dumb it down for you. You plug the big glowing thing on your desk into one. Buy THIS one, and begone from my kingdom!"
Customer: "Wow, you're an asshole."
You: "Anyone who's not an asshole after dealing with dumb n00bs all day doesn't have any skillz. Now, didn't I tell you to beat it?"

2.

Customer: "I notice this CD-RW doesn't say it READS CDs..."

You: "Actually, at this store we have magical gnomes that make it read your CDs. It's one of the many services we perform."

3.

Customer: "Where can I find your non-existant products?"

You (pointing): "I don't think we have any in this department, talk to the next department... yeah, go bother them.... yes, over there. Shoo!""

4.

Customer: "I'm here to take up at least an hour of your time, bugging you about 2 dollar item."

You: "That's why God invented co-workers. Hey, Bruce! I'm goin' on break!"

5.

You: "Was there something I could show you on that cheap POS laptop?"

Customer: "Yes, I have one in the shop right now, so I was thinking about buying another one."

You: "Wow, that circus dude was right. There IS one born every minute..."

6.

Customer: "What's the difference between Apple and PCs?"

You: "About 500 bucks."

7.

Customer: "I have a so and so 960, will it work with a blah-blah 763621X?"

You: "No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Anything but that! It'll cause nuclear destruction of the earth! The sky will fall! Machines will rise up against their masters! Zombies will eat your family! Monkey Men will conquer the planet!"

Customer (eyes wide): "..."

You: "Just kidding. Did you want that in green or yellow?"

8.

Customer: "My boyfriend sent me to pick up the video card on this list. Can you help me?"

You: "Yes, my video card is bigger than the wussy POS he wants. That makes me more desirable sexually. Wanna be my woman? I'm also man enough to pick up my own video card!"

9.

Customer: "I need an adapter for my phone cord. The port on my computer doesn't seem to fit quite right."

You: "That's 'cause it's a network card dingus."
Customer: "No! It says right on it, MODEM!"
You: "Does the plug fit?"
Customer: "No..."
You, showing him a NIC: "It looks like this?"
Customer: "Yeah..."
You: "Who's a Dingus."
Customer: "... ... ... I am..."
You: "Damn right. Now, let's get you a modem Dingus."

10.

Customer: "Can I smuggle encypted files out of the country if I stuck this 256 Meg "Jump-Drive" up my ass?"

Me: "Well, I know I wouldn't want to look for it!"

And to think - there are actually people out there dumb enough to ask a few of those question as I have heard or even been the recieptiant of a few.

Uhh... 9 out of 10 were based off actual questions I had during today's shift. Believe me, I've had to bite my tongue mid-insult a LOT.

i started cracking up on #1 its the best one!

#10 is 2nd best.

this ones funny!!

heres another one I have heard ppl ask at my other job where I work with computers. Guy walks in and says his comp. is running slow, and he has a lot of pictures (pr0n, stuff like 'sexcam' and other XXX this, sex-that, etc.) on his comp. and he wants it fixed (K6-2 350, 256MB RAM)

Guy: Why is my comp. running so slow? I have a lot of pictures and I need a faster computer to view them.

Me (what I wanted to say): Well typically when you go to pr0n sites and download pr0n in large amounts, it installs spyware on your system. We can build you a new system and just use your primary master hard drive as a primary slave drive.

Guy: So what does all that mean?

Me(what i wanted to say): You get to keep all your pr0n.

Thank heavens he didnt want his mouse and keyboard repaired!!!

Gummed up, were they?

On #1, ya sell him them a new modem as an 'upgrade adapter card modem'. When the ports and IRQs all collide, tell him to bring it to you and you can fix it - for $60 an hour. Then you take the cover off, go on a 7 hour break, disable the old modem in device manager, and bill him for 8 hours work.

Least that's how we did it at Best Buy - got move dem SKUs.
-MF