Well gang, ya'll know I've put it in high gear for finding my ass a job.

Still, I keep comin' across some weird stuff...

TOP TEN: WEIRD CRAP IN JOB FINDING!

1. Modeling agencies are, by all reports, looking for all kinds of people. They say that the amount of people who fit "perfect" criteria are getting harder to find, and that a lot more "average" people are getting hired.

Somehow, I can't really picture myself dressed up in somethin' I wouldn't be caught dead in on the street, smiling like an idiot and having to change my name to "Cloud" (no last name).

Still, if I don't find something soon, I'll have to have a long talk with my ego on why my brain isn't paying me as well as I could be making pimping myself out as a clothes rack...

Still, I had an idea!

Maybe hours and hours of listening to the following list would help me be able to do this job without laughing myself to death first thing I stepped in front of a camera...

"I'm Too Sexy" Right Said Fred.
"You're so Vain" Carly Simon
"It's hard to be humble" Mac Davis
"Better than You" -Metallica

2. The newspaper makes sure to make the pages thin enough to bleed through when you highlight... well enough to where you think you circled something on the other side...

I was wondering why I would ever circle a personal ad for a SGBM who was into horse whips, rubber and spanking...

3. I've discovered an interesting fact about sending your application/résumé on the internet...

I've sent out roughly 15 résumés and I've recieved NO replies... now then, I know my resumé isn't the most exciting thing in the world, but to think it would at LEAST generate a "no thanks" or a "thank you for applying, we have already filled the position", "The police found the bodies, so you don't pass our background check" or SOMETHIN' .

I have a theory that it gets sent to Santa Claus in the North Pole... who sits in a little room laughing his ass off, "Little Jimmy says he has 4 years experience as an executive manager... HO HO Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, That's a good one!"


4. I'm starting to "get" why people snap, arm themselves with weapons of mass destruction and go blow up an office building. They dealt with that company's phone messenging system!

I call in, "If you'd like to speak to SALES, press one... if you'd like to speak with "SERVICE" press two... if you'd like to talk to a live human, please press three or stay on the line... *time passes*

You have chosen to select from our office directory! Please listen to the following options. If you'd like to speak to John, push 21, if you'd like to speak to trisha, press 23, if you'd like to speak to... (a helluva lot more time passes)... if you'd like to speak to the operator, press zero.

BEEP!

"I'm sorry, the operator is currently on another line, this call will be terminated."

"NO! Please! I've been on hold for an hour!"

*Click*

MOTHER-*&%$ER! THAT'S IT!!!

5. Why is it really brain-dead jobs, like say.... working the floor at "Best Buy" takes a "War and Peace" sized application, yet I can apply as CEO with a single page.

Seriously.

Best Buy: Name your Sister's, Cousin's, Brother's, Nephew's, Uncle's former room-mate. Give a detailed account of what they were wearing last week, and why.

CEO: Have you ever worked for "Enron"? No? Welcome aboard!

6. My background has been checked more times in the last week than in the last ten years. I could have bought and registered automatic weapons with less paperwork and less intrusive questions!

7. It seems that bi-lingual english/spanish is a requirement for a LOT of jobs down here.

In the more cynical part of my mind, I keep thinking I could fake it... but I guess you just can't sell cars with only knowing how to say "Si gringo, Dodge RAM mucho grande!"

8. If any of you job-seekers haven't been HERE yet, check it out!

A whole series of Flash cartoons about bein' laid off... some of it frighteningly accurate. (BTW: It's got it's halloween stuff up right now, so the site has music for you MP3-playin' Pimps with the speakers up).

9. Get this, I copied and pasted this over from a job listing... no doctoring, no clever add-ins. This is it exactly.

"Level 1 / Non-Technical PC Set UP Tech
In this role, you will be responsible for picking up and returning systems from customerÂ’s desks. You will deliver the systems and monitors to the PC Service Centers to be worked on by Level 3 Technicians. The Level 1 Tech will not perform any technical activities.
Knowledge and familiarity of disconnecting and reconnecting PC wires and cables.
No hardware or software certifications needed or desired.
Must be able to lift 35 – 45 pounds with no issues."

"The Level 1 Tech will not perform any technical activities."?!?

Why the hell don't they say "NEEDED: DELIVERY BOY. WILL TRAIN HOW TO UNSCREW PLUGS AND REMOVE WIRES FROM A COMPUTER"?

"No hardware or software certifications needed or desired."

Bloody hell, just tell the customer's "DUUUUUUUUUHHHHHH" when they ask what it might be? Guess they really don't believe in on-site service...

BTW: This is a job posting for "Seimens".


10. Why is it everything requires that one last thing.

Perfect example:

"Job skills needed include at least two years in PC operations and networking"

Check.

"Needs to have a professional attitude."

Check.

"Needs to be punctual, be able to understand Windows, and MS Office software."

No problem.

"Must be able to perform brain surgery with left hand while coding "Cobol" with the right..."

DOH!!!

BTW: Here's what I keep waitin' to see!

"Wanted: GOD"
"Must be able to perform miracles, Communicate with the dead and have neat handwriting. Pay: $10.00/hr."

"Wanted: Assistant Plumber"
"Must be able to operate a drain snake, and not mind cold, ugly fluids running down your arms: Pay: $75.00/hr

On that last part about "Wanted: GOD" and "Wanted: Assistant Plumber" - it's supply and demand dude. Everyone wants to be God, not everyone wants to know what the inside of the toilet drain that's been in service for years smells like. Supply and demands.

life is lame -_-
good artical, sometimes a dictator ship where you are just told what job you will do, sounds good

isn't life grand *TP's trwin research*

#5 is so true - also add 'Supermodel [U Betta Work]' - RuPaul

I think about many of those whenever I get fed up with my job and want to quit. Sometimes a bird in the hand ....

You just wrote exactly what I've been thinkning for about the past 2 weeks. I feel your pain.....and I really have enough on my own, so if you could....
Anyway, keep up the good work dude. Some humor is always nice after getting rejected about 10 times every day.