Well, I realized how long it had been since I'd done an interview when I did this "pre-interview" (not even a "true" interview). I did fairly well, but I locked up on the first question presented below. I usually have a good line for every one of these, but hey... it was good practice...

For those of you pimps who haven't done much job-hunting, a pre-interview is where they load a ton of people up into the company lunch room and just roll you off the assembly line one right after the other asking "the basics".

TOP TEN: Dumb crap companies ask during an interview!

1. "Why did you apply to work here?"

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 1: Because I really like people asking me stupid questions!

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 2: I have this need to be punished... Do you want to punish me? Please?

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 3 (and I swear I've used this one): 'cause I'm broke. That's usually why people do look for work.

2. "What do you feel is the most important characteristic of (in this case) a salesperson?"

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 1: The ability to piss people off so much, they'll buy anything just to get the hell away from you!

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 2: The ability to pad one's sales reports to look good to the boss.

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 3: The ability to sacrifice a goat to an angry sales-God... and promising him a virgin or two for a good quarter!

3. "If hired, what do you feel you can bring to this company?"

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 1: A lawsuit.

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 2: I could bring some tea-bags or something... I guess things are tough if you have to ask people to bring in their own stuff.

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 3: I can bring an AK-47 when you push me to far and I go on a killing spree... what cubicle is yours?

4. "Do you think of yourself as a "people" person?"

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 1: No, I just think of myself as a "person"... People who think of themselves in a plural sense need therapy.

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 2: No, I'm a cynical ass who enjoys causing you adorable little morons pain and misery! Now, hire me you worthless bastard!

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 3: Yes! I had this orgy last week with a bunch of "people"... it RULED!

5. "Do you feel your qualified to handle this job?"

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 1: Nahh, I'm applying for brain-surgeon next week, I just like wasting people's time...

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 2: Sure... of course, I tend to think I'm really good at everything.

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 3: Hell, don't know 'til ya try!

6. Have you ever been convicted of a crime?

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 1: Oh sure! Just got out last week, I killed a guy and made love to his eye-sockets... That's why I want to be an Optomotrist!

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 2 (I swear, I've used this one too... probably not one of my brighter moves but the guy interviewing me was REALLY dry): Convicted? No... not convicted.

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 3: Hell ya, my ass is STILL sore, let me tell you!

7. If hired, would you submit to a drug-screening test?

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 1: No... that probably wouldn't be such a good idea. Hey, people on speed make better workers anyway! Ask anyone!

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 2: You just want a sample of my genetic material so you can clone me, and hire my double to do your dirty work, don't you! Don't you lie to me, you bitch!!!

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 3: Peein' in a cup 'eh? Well, empty out your coffee mug, 'cause I've been holdin' it since this morning!

8. What do you feel is your best quality?

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 1: I'm really, really good in bed. *wink*wink*

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 2: My ability to avoid dumb questions like this?

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 3: Probably my ability to lie straight through my teeth. Say, that is one attractive tie ya got there! Kid pick that one out? Oh, the wife 'eh... well... I can't take it anymore! It's hideous! It's an affront to God and all that is good!!!

9. Of the places you've worked... which do you feel was the most influential?

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 1: Enron.

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 2: Procter and Gamble

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 3: Phillip Morris.

10. Do you mind working overtime?

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 1: Yes, I do mind. I have a life outside of this building you know. God, what IS it with employers these days, they all want more and more of your time! Geez...

if I get hired can I have monday off?

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 2 (I've thought about using this line): Yes! Please, I don't wanna go home anyway! Can I sleep on my desk? I can bathe out of the sink, I'll never leave, just please hire me!!!

SARCASTIC RESPONSE 3: How can anyone work "over" time? Time answers to no man, you can't avoid it. going "over" time, what were you thinking?!?

For any other pimps lookin' for work right now... good luck!!!

Great artical, best part of the day!



How about "what are your strengths and weaknesses" writting 11/12 teacher seems to be in love with that one

Now that is a good article! I'm still chuckling.

sounds a lot like a survey, we ask some of of the stupidest questions too. We did a survey for Cingular Wireless, the screening question, the very first question, was 'are you a cingular wireless customer?'

Another stupid question running on a 45-minute survey about Spike TV, the last question, 'Are you straight, gay, bi, or other'?

What the hell is ''other"?

Cow... just for you dude...

11. "What would you say are your greatest strengths and weaknesses?"

SA1: "My greatest strength is the ability to not slap the shiznit out of you for asking me these weak-ass questions."

SA2: "My greatest strength is lying, my weakness is ADMITTING my greatest strength..."

SA3: "My greatest strength is that I'm talented, handsome, god's gift to the female gender, I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread and I have an ass that women cry themselves to sleep over... My weakness is sometimes I don't realize just how great I am."

j-dogg... some people have some REAL strange ideas on sexual relations. Animals, dead people, and some other stuff I don't even wanna mention!

Just out of curiousity what kinds of jobs are you applying to? I think you and me are in the same boat now since I just dropped out of school.

P.S.--I filled out that goddamn Best Buy application too....and its clone, the Circuit City application.

Anon, get a GED... it's kind of important.

Yeah, right now, I'm applying to work I could do in my sleep... mostly to keep my brain free for night classes.

Well I was actually talking about college, not HS. I was a junior but didn't know what major I should persue....or career, so I decided to take some "time off". Want to just enjoy myself for a while without having to constantly deal with all the stupid shlt that goes along with school. Just seemed like a waste of time ATM.

Same here on the work subject...problem is most of the jobs don't really require an abundance of intellect to perform, which is why there are so many people applying to them.....and they're so hard to get.

This is, in my opinion, one of the funniest I've read from you.
The 3rd responses were the best. Great work d00d.

Dam A,
Let me guess...couldn't get along with others?
Seriously though...
There are plenty of jobs up here. The fleet is gearing up for Dungeness season...Know anything about commercial fishing?
or fishermen?

Quote: Originally posted by j-dogg 'Are you straight, gay, bi, or other'? What the hell is ''other"? [/b]

The "other" (From a computer geeks perspective) would be "Virgin"


The one question that tripped me up back in 93, when applying for a job repairing computer controlled assembly lines:

"If you could change one thing about yourself, What would it be?"
1st thought, and somewhat "True" answer...

"I would not to be late for work so often, stop trying to sneak out early, and maybe, get back from the breaks on time"

What I realy said....

"I tend to spend to much time on details, I am almost obsessive in trying to get things perfect"

Then I went on to give an example:

"I once re-routed a MSD ignition wiring harness in my fathers 63 Avanti 4 different times, till it was just the way I wanted it"
I added "Some people would say that is a waste of time"

That answer, I believe, got me the job

There is a company in Sweden, that makes the best foulweather gear on the planet...
Their motto.."Attitude Makes the Difference"

When I hire somebody to the deck, I'm looking for the person who has the right attitude.
Somebody who shows me, that there isn't a job too tough, and is a team player.
That's how you get a word in.
I just love it when somebody comes in, and trys to rework my system without ever, even learning it.
And they assume that they are so "Above it all", and are such the "intellect"
That's focking funny to me, I'm not the one looking for work!!
Sometimes it's best to be "Dumb enough to Listen" and
"Smart enough to follow through"
We make our yearly income in 3 short months.
That's alot of time off, to do all kinds of stuff...
But without the right ATTITUDE, It's never gonna happen for you and you stay, like the job you have to settle for says....."J"ust "O"ver "B"roke

Quote: Originally posted by ZENNZZO Know anything about commercial fishing? or fishermen?

Dude, I would love a job as a commercial fisherman. I mean what could be cooler than fishing in a studio to endorse a product and get paid for it? Much better than having to actually brave the elements to go fishing. So what commercials have I seen you in?

Quote: Originally posted by BigAkita ...So what commercials have I seen you in?

Captain Birdseye in the Fish Finger ads ?



edit - Zennzz, you should use that as your sig

Well... somebody has to fit in that "Charlie Tuna" suit...

Great One Dark I have to give it

Thanks for the response, all of these are still funny a day later