As many of you know, I like cats. I got to thinking though, any kitten is great, but what properties does an adult cat need to mark it out as special?

1 - It should be of, let’s say, “mixed” parentage. Products of an illicit union between a show-winning queen & the local ginger tom are ideal: exotic, but with hybrid vigour. Being cute and/or fluffy has enormous psychological benefits when it comes to getting away with murder;

2 - It should torment people who donÂ’t like cats: I had a Siamese who used to do this to a neighbour, the cat used to sit close by & make occasional lunges like it was about to jump onto her lap;

3 – It should, at times, think it’s an item of clothing, like a hat or scarf. But, because of its’ half posh heritage, it should believe it’s an expensive, _stylish_ hat or scarf;

4 – it should make noises when running. My current mog makes a wheelspinning noise when she starts running (purrrrrrrppppppppp!), but a cat that makes “binka! binka! binka!” noises when cornering is even better;

5 – it should be at accomplished at getting into places it shouldn’t be, either by picking locks, opening doors, squeezing through unfeasibly small gaps, or travelling through hyperspace wormholes. Unfortunately, getting out of these places again is a skill I’ve never seen in a cat;

6 – the ideal cat should also be adept at vandalising things you wouldn’t dream of damaging yourself … like shredding the seats in your neighbours Porsche, or taking a dump in the boot (trunk). Skills required for point 5 are handy here.;

7 – this hypothetical cat should also cause chaos at every opportunity. Getting into your neighbours house in the middle of the night, jumping on their bed & proceeding to run around without being caught for 10 minutes, only to leave by a window is purr-fect;

8 – it should also be a master of catching things. I’m not talking about your usual small birds here either. I’ve experienced the fallout from a cat catching a five pound Pigeon & then plucking it on my cat-phobic neighbours’ lawn, another cat running off with the lid next doors’ skipping rope & pair of gloves, the same cat also came back once with someone’s false teeth (really);

9 – this ideal cat would also be a poor liar. Almost any cat is proficient at washing it’s paws as if to claim it _meant_ to fall off the sofa, but some cats are even more inept. My current mog has the endearing habit of complaining about her food & refusing to eat it, only to be caught scoffing it moments later;

10 – For amusement purposes again, a cat should be proficient at running about & being daft: cats should not just be a decorative item. If it suffers from “impatient legs” (where the back legs overtake the front, causing the cat to run sideways, or even end up backwards & stop, looking very puzzled), so much the better.



Note: my primary source for this piece has been 30 years of cat “ownership”, but bits from Terry Pratchett’s “The Unadulterated Cat” have inevitably stuck in my mind … I recommend it to any cat owner – buy it, read it (carefully) & pass it on to someone else for Christmas.

CATs are cool, the most independent of pets, yet they thrive on intertaining you the most. The best of mothers,teachers and friends...caos creating friends, the more the better...They are in my opinion the best pet that could ever own me...

Quote: Originally posted by ZENNZZO ...They are in my opinion the best pet that could ever own me...

Said like a true cat "owner" ... I used to think that my cats were well trained (especially regarding feeding times), until I realised that they'd trained _me_!

Quote: Originally posted by Jonny English 8 – it should also be a master of catching things.....

This I experienced firsthand by a cat that sadly was hit by a car and no longer with us.

It was a late spring morning around 5:00 AM, my girlfriend and I were sound asleep. We had left the window open overnight since the weather lately had been wonderfully warm. Said window was rather large, screenless and was directly over the headboard of our bed.

Suddenly, an inhuman screech that tore us from our slumber and shadow flashed over our sleeping heads. Somewhat shocked by the sound, I grab my gun and search the room for the source of the pitiful screeching.

I look nearby the bedroom door and see our large gray tomcat that we had adopted....(well, maybe "adopted" may not be the right word....he just happened to appear at our front door one day like an unexpected guest and decided to stay). In his mouth was the source of the screeching.....a full sized brown rabbit!

I had never heard a rabbit make anykind of sound before, hell, I never thought they could make sounds. This one was screaming it's little head off!

I managed to get the rabbit away from the cat without getting bit or scratched. There was no signs that it had been hurt, just terrified.

I must note that during all this ruckus my girlfriend is screaming at the cat, me, the rabbit, God or anyone else she could think of. Not helpful.

I put the rabbit under my clothes hamper, while I get dressed. All the while the cat is eyeing its prize and trying to get it back.

I finally get dressed, grab the rabbit and take it to a nearby grassy area, presumably where the cat grabbed it in the first place, and release it. The rabbit shoots out of my hand, sprints 25 or so feet away from me and stops. It looks at me. If it could speak I'm sure I would have thanked me til the end of it's days. After the pause, it disappears into shrubs.

I go back to my apartment and into the bedroom. There is the cat eyeing me. He was pissed. I took his prize.

After a shock like that, he's lucky I didn't take his life and shoot him.

Needless to say we never slept with the windows open again.

Hairball reverse peristalsis timing is important.

My wife was having a bridal shower. The cat decided to hock one up right on the living room carpet in the center of all of the attention.

The best part was my wife had to clean it up for once.

Granted, not as exciting as a screaming rabbit, but fun nonetheless.

Jon, sorry to say this, I'm a DOG person and not a CAT person. Just based on your Love for CATS, I guess you'll be doing an article on how Stupid DOG's are!

Quote: Originally posted by Fantazmic2 Jon, sorry to say this, I'm a DOG person and not a CAT person. Just based on your Love for CATS, I guess you'll be doing an article on how Stupid DOG's are!

No, I like dogs too ... apart from little yappy ones, which I kick when the owners aren't looking.

I'd love to have dogs, but I'd need to be in the position of looking after them properly. Cats will look after themselves to a certain extent, I don't think it's fair to leave a dog alone all day in the same way.

Yeah, I love my cats...The male one gets happy, starts purring and rubs against my case and hits the reset button. I know he does this on purpose. Sneaky bastard...Usually when Im in photoshop, or playing a game...

Jon, this article is friggin awesome. Love the list and going to foreward it on to a few people.

Quote: Originally posted by FeRaL ... going to foreward it on to a few people.

Hope you sent them the url instead ... every 100 hits earns PR 1 cent on advertising !

do i need to say more......

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