I hate Macs



Charlie Brooker
Monday February 5, 2007
The Guardian



Unless you have been walking around with your eyes closed, and your head encased in a block of concrete, with a blindfold tied round it, in the dark - unless you have been doing that, you surely can't have failed to notice the current Apple Macintosh campaign starring David Mitchell and Robert Webb, which has taken over magazines, newspapers and the internet in a series of brutal coordinated attacks aimed at causing massive loss of resistance. While I don't have anything against shameless promotion per se (after all, within these very brackets I'm promoting my own BBC4 show, which starts tonight at 10pm), there is something infuriating about this particular blitz. In the ads, Webb plays a Mac while Mitchell adopts the mantle of a PC. We know this because they say so right at the start of the ad.
"Hello, I'm a Mac," says Webb.
"And I'm a PC," adds Mitchell.
They then perform a small comic vignette aimed at highlighting the differences between the two computers. So in one, the PC has a "nasty virus" that makes him sneeze like a plague victim; in another, he keeps freezing up and having to reboot. This is a subtle way of saying PCs are unreliable. Mitchell, incidentally, is wearing a nerdy, conservative suit throughout, while Webb is dressed in laid-back contemporary casual wear. This is a subtle way of saying Macs are cool.
The ads are adapted from a near-identical American campaign - the only difference is the use of Mitchell and Webb. They are a logical choice in one sense (everyone likes them), but a curious choice in another, since they are best known for the television series Peep Show - probably the best sitcom of the past five years - in which Mitchell plays a repressed, neurotic underdog, and Webb plays a selfish, self-regarding poseur. So when you see the ads, you think, "PCs are a bit rubbish yet ultimately lovable, whereas Macs are just smug, preening tossers." In other words, it is a devastatingly accurate campaign.
I hate Macs. I have always hated Macs. I hate people who use Macs. I even hate people who don't use Macs but sometimes wish they did. Macs are glorified Fisher-Price activity centres for adults; computers for scaredy cats too nervous to learn how proper computers work; computers for people who earnestly believe in feng shui.
PCs are the ramshackle computers of the people. You can build your own from scratch, then customise it into oblivion. Sometimes you have to slap it to make it work properly, just like the Tardis (Doctor Who, incidentally, would definitely use a PC). PCs have charm; Macs ooze pretension. When I sit down to use a Mac, the first thing I think is, "I hate Macs", and then I think, "Why has this rubbish aspirational ornament only got one mouse button?" Losing that second mouse button feels like losing a limb. If the ads were really honest, Webb would be standing there with one arm, struggling to open a packet of peanuts while Mitchell effortlessly tore his apart with both hands. But then, if the ads were really honest, Webb would be dressed in unbelievably po-faced avant-garde clothing with a gigantic glowing apple on his back. And instead of conducting a proper conversation, he would be repeatedly congratulating himself for looking so cool, and banging on about how he was going to use his new laptop to write a novel, without ever getting round to doing it, like a mediocre idiot.
Cue 10 years of nasal bleating from Mac-likers who profess to like Macs not because they are fashionable, but because "they are just better". Mac owners often sneer that kind of defence back at you when you mock their silly, posturing contraptions, because in doing so, you have inadvertently put your finger on the dark fear haunting their feeble, quivering soul - that in some sense, they are a superficial semi-person assembled from packaging; an infinitely sad, second-rate replicant who doesn't really know what they are doing here, but feels vaguely significant and creative each time they gaze at their sleek designer machine. And the more deftly constructed and wittily argued their defence, the more terrified and wounded they secretly are.
Aside from crowing about sartorial differences, the adverts also make a big deal about PCs being associated with "work stuff" (Boo! Offices! Boo!), as opposed to Macs, which are apparently better at "fun stuff". How insecure is that? And how inaccurate? Better at "fun stuff", my arse. The only way to have fun with a Mac is to poke its insufferable owner in the eye. For proof, stroll into any decent games shop and cast your eye over the exhaustive range of cutting-edge computer games available exclusively for the PC, then compare that with the sort of rubbish you get on the Mac. Myst, the most pompous and boring videogame of all time, a plodding, dismal "adventure" in which you wandered around solving tedious puzzles in a rubbish magic kingdom apparently modelled on pretentious album covers, originated on the Mac in 1993. That same year, the first shoot-'em-up game, Doom, was released on the PC. This tells you all you will ever need to know about the Mac's relationship with "fun". Ultimately the campaign's biggest flaw is that it perpetuates the notion that consumers somehow "define themselves" with the technology they choose. If you truly believe you need to pick a mobile phone that "says something" about your personality, don't bother. You don't have a personality. A mental illness, maybe - but not a personality. Of course, that hasn't stopped me slagging off Mac owners, with a series of sweeping generalisations, for the past 900 words, but that is what the ads do to PCs. Besides, that's what we PC owners are like - unreliable, idiosyncratic and gleefully unfair. And if you'll excuse me now, I feel an unexpected crash coming.


Now why I don't belive everything in this article, I do think its quite funny, hope you all enjoy.

I agree with all of it myself.

Yup... every last word.

As said in one of the best movies of all time (Clerks II): "Ooooh... sick burn!"

Funny, but its always easy to hate something different than what you are used to.

As a mac owner I find most of the Get a Mac commercials completely stupid. Their latest one about vista is pretty hilarious though.

http://movies.apple.com/movies/us/ap...ty_480x376.mov

If anything Apple is a victim of trying too hard with its advertising. I am a bit excited to see OS X 10.5

Quote: Originally Posted by Dreyco Funny, but its always easy to hate something different than what you are used to.

Ohh it's not so much hate of Mac's. It's hate of the commercials which are total bollocks (I insert this term in honor of our Pom members (I used the term Pom for the Kiwi/Oz dwellers)) If someone likes Mac's great... they want to get it on with their Mac's because they think it's the greatest thing ever, fine. I just don't want to hear/see the last one.

The commercials just have to end, they were kinda cute at first. Now they're laborous (labourous again for our UK/Aussie/Canadian members)and stupid.


The previous message was made to prove I'm not a hater, and I can carry an inside joke way to far.

I love this line

Quote: If you truly believe you need to pick a mobile phone that "says something" about your personality, don't bother. You don't have a personality. A mental illness, maybe - but not a personality.

Haha very true

You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your f****** khakis.

As far as I'm concerned my PC is faster, more reliable, more customizable, runs thousands more software titles and did I mention it probably cost half as much as a Mac?

Oh wait, I didn't need to write that did I? You all knew it anyway.

Doing a Graphic Design course I am surrounded with poncy Mac-fans with their Powerbooks and G5s. They can't believe it when I tell them I have a PC, and that PCs are better.

Quote: Originally Posted by post_break You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your f****** khakis.

Tru that, to bad 99.999999% of Americans dont know that (ok I is not that bad but it is damn close)

I used Macs in school for web design and audio work, and I never had a problem with them. If I had my choice I would have both..A PC Desktop to mod like hell and a Mac laptop just to play around with, I think they both have their strong and week points as with everything.

IcEMage just confirmed most peoples views on Macs..."you'd have a PC for the serious stuff, and a mac to play with"

As the article says, thats all they are, over priced V-techs for grown ups who think it makes them different or even "cool".

i agree down to the last punctuation mark


MS should come up with an AD where the PC guy is handling/holding quite a few items at a time
while the MAC guy, pathetically states he can only handle a couple ... maybe 3 items (speech not included) .... due to its inneficient memory handling system.


How's that for representing what macs really are ??

I've been saying it for a t least 10 years, there's nothing wrong with Macs, just the people that use them.

Having said that, I have owned probably at least 50 Apple computers through the years, I just never used them much. They do hold resale value better than a PC.

And now, since OS X is based on unix, you can actually do command line stuff on a Mac. Oh the humanity!

Quote: Originally Posted by Dex IcEMage just confirmed most peoples views on Macs..."you'd have a PC for the serious stuff, and a mac to play with" As the article says, thats all they are, over priced V-techs for grown ups who think it makes them different or even "cool".

Well I would do more than just play around with it. I would use it for programs like Logic (a mac only program) and MAX/Msp (runs much better with mac hardware) , so i guess I should have said I would use them both equally....although I would get a lot more gaming out of my PC

Quote: Originally Posted by IcEMage Well I would do more than just play around with it. I would use it for programs like Logic (a mac only program) and MAX/Msp (runs much better with mac hardware) , so i guess I should have said I would use them both equally....although I would get a lot more gaming out of my PC

pfffff Logic sux neways ....


you're better off using a spectrasonics suite or traktor

I like Macs - they're pretty good...



...pretty good paperweights

Nah - just kidding - I'm for whatever does the job I need it to do. At the moment... It's a PC
(mind you - there are a heap of jobs around here for mac operators... they pay rather well)

Apple laptops are much more fun than PC laptops. No PC laptop can beat the size to weight ratio nor the battery life. Not to mention the scroll function is brilliant.

Agree with that 100%

Thats so freaking true its funny...The adds are a bit rediculous, though that latest one with vista and its security stuff is rather funny. I think the only reason macs are suposivly more secure is because PCs is the ones targeted the most. If macs were the majority, they would be having the same exact problems.