A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table.

He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk
with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry", the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you", she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks.

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.

She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!

"You know", he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every
guy you meet?"

"No", she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

Quote: Originally Posted by godfoot "You just happened to catch my eye."

LOL. Why did I not SEE this coming?.

Let's keep one thread as a joke thread? Please? A sticky maybe.

Either way here is my contribution.

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with 3-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good, and my husband is having an affair with his secretary.
When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry..

Oh yeah, I forgot there was already a joke thread. I don't post in it or visit often.

wow that was horrible.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said,
"Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

The 06' Miami Dolphins.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Glass eye joke revised:

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table.

He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk
with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry", the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you", she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks.

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.

She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

When it comes time to have sex, she stops him, pops her eye out and says, "I always have sex in my eye socket."

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!

"You know", he said, "you are the perfect woman. I travel this way quite often and I wonder if we could get togehter the next time I'm in town."

She nods and says," I'll keep an eye out for you."

A man wants to have his penis enlarged so he goes to a specialist who recommends a newprocedure of attaching an elephant trunk to the end of the penis.
The man goes for it and has ahumongous penis.
One day, while eating dinner at his girlfriends, his penis reaches up from under the table, grabs a bun and slides back down under the table.
The girlfriend is amazed. "That's incredible", she says, "Can you do it again?"
The man replies, "I'd love to, but I don't think my butt can handle another bun right now".

The following joke contains racial slur ....
if youre easily offended by it (in other words if you're a wuss) please stop reading now ...

again, read at your own will, there's no obligation on doing so (nobody is asking you to, nobody is forcing you to either) . Thank you.



A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blond genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three
wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blond genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $1,000 bills!

Then, there's a knock at the door. . He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two
blond genies. One blond genie says to the other one....
" I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big
mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

Quote: Originally Posted by j-dogg The 06' Miami Dolphins.

Ouch.

things are getting better...

This joke is horrible....ly funny to me. If you are reading, and are easily offended stop now.

The TRUE Glass eye joke...


A guy is in a phonebox and he sees an ad for a woman offering bjs whilst singing the national anthem. The guy fancies some of this, makes the appointment and goes round. The woman tells him that he must be blindfolded during the event as she does not want him to know her secret. The man agrees and a couple of minutes later he is enjoying the best bj of his life and the woman is singing her heart out in perfect soprano.

Several minutes later and the guy is in near delirium, suddenly the phone rings and the woman stops to answer it. She comes back and explains that there is an emergency and she will have to go. She says that she will only be gone a little while so the man is welcome to wait or he can make another appointment. He decides to wait and hears the woman leave. As time goes by the man starts to wonder how the woman was doing it. He did not hear her start a CD and the sound was definitely coming from his nether regions.

Time goes by and the woman does not return. By now the man is getting cold and curiosity is starting to get the better of him. He decides to take the blindfold off and have a look around the room to see how this woman is able to give the best blowjob he has ever had and still manage to sing in the most heartbreakingly beautiful voice he has ever heard. So he takes off the blindfold.

One the table in front of him is a glass eye!



Eww!

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters & listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.”

This is a strictly a mathematical viewpoint...

I rear ended a car this morning...
I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy".
I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's when the fight started!!!

This is my favorite joke and everybody hates it

So I'm sitting in a bar, nothing special, just hanging out and enjoying a drink. In walks two gorgeous women and a man with a gigantic blue head. The girls can't keep their hands off Mr. Blue Head and a practically doing their best to dry-hump him while he walks to his seat. He sits down, looking very bored with the girls, throws them each a wad of $100 bills and tells them to grab some drinks.

I decide this might be my chance to talk to this strange character so I stroll over and say to Big Blue Head, "Those girls look like quite a handful." He responds, "Yeah, I wished I'd never wished for them." Wished for them? He sees my confusion and says, "Listen, you're probably wondering about my head too. Well I'll tell you a story if you want to hear it."

"I'm walking down the beach and something catches my eye. I walk towards it and there's a sparkle, so I dig in and find a magic lamp. So I do the magic lamp thing, rubbing it and all, and sure enough a genie pops out. Gives me his shpiel, 3 wishes and all."

"Yeah, so what was your first wish?" I ask

"All the money I could ever want. Poof, an ATM appears and I check my balance. If there's such a thing as a zillion dollars I have it."

"Alright, so what was your second wish?"

"I said, 'I want any woman I want to fall instantly head-over-heals in love with me. And it definitely worked. All I have to do is look at one and think 'I want that one' and they go wild. The problem is that I never asked for a way to reverse it, so here I am with these clingy bimbos. That backfired alright."

"What's your third wish"

"Oh, well for my third wish I asked for a gigantic blue head."

Quote: Originally Posted by _Sexy_Pants_ SNIP

Reminds me of a similar joke.


A man walks into a bar after a boring day at work. After his first beer a huge muscular man walks in with a tiny head. The bored man is stunned, speechless even, he has to know why that man has such a tiny head. After 4 beers to gain courage he finally walks over to the tiny-headed man. He opens his mouth to ask, but the tiny-headed man says "I'm guessing you're wondering about the size of my head." The man barely can muster a yes out of his mouth before the muscular man begins his tale. "I was a captain of a cargo ship a couple of years back. One day found ourselves in a mother of a storm, capsized and I seemed to be the only capable swimmer. I managed to swim for about 2 days before I reached a rock on top of which sat a beautiful woman, or so it seemed until I got closer. When I saw her up close I realized it was actually a mermaid. The mermaid told me that she could grant me one wish, anything I desired, and since I had been out at sea for quite some time and been lacking the company of a woman I was indeed quite horny as one could imagine. Then I realized with her being a mermaid regular sex wasn't quite an option, so the next best thing popped into my mind" the tiny-headed man said, "how about a little head."

On the subject of Genie jokes ... an oldie, but a goodie ...

A woman is walking down the beach. She's depressed, having just signed her divorce papers from her husband, who she found cheating on her with his secretary. She finds a magic lamp in the sand, rubs it, and out pops a genie.

The genie tells her, "I'll grant you three wishes, but there's a catch."
"What is it?"
"Whatever you wish for, your ex-husband gets ten times more."
"That doesn't seem right," she says.
"Those are the rules," the genie replies.

So the woman thinks for a bit, then says, "I want ten million dollars."
"Done," the genie says. "And now your ex- has $100 million."
"Okay, now I want a large house in an exclusive Malibu neighborhood."
"Done," the genie says. "And, of course, your husband has one ten times larger."

"No problem," says the woman.

"And for your final wish?" asks the genie.

The woman looks at the genie and says, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

My wife sent me this one today:

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer ( WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take either or both of the antidotes repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system .

You should IMMEDIATELY forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.