WHY PARENTS DRINK:

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

AMISH ELEVATOR
>
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers
above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ..

"Go get your mother."

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on
where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and
masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she
tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear
lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

A man is walking down the beach and spots a lamp half buried in the sand. On a lark he digs it out and cleans it off. To his amazement a genie comes out and tells him he can have one wish.

"Just one? What happened to three?" he asks.
"Inflation" says the genie, "take it or leave it."

So the man thinks. And he thinks. Finally, he comes up with an answer.

"I have always wanted to visit Hawaii, but I am simply to afraid of flying and get seasick just thinking of getting on a boat. So I wish for a bridge that connects all the Hawaiian Islands with the mainland US."

The genie looks incredulous and says "Do you have *any* idea how complicated something like that is? It makes building the pyramids with a teaspoon look easy. The amount of concrete, steel, asphalt... No way. That one is just too much for a genie, even one as powerful as me. Make a different wish, you know like being rich, famous, or something like all the other people wish for."

So he thinks a few minutes more and his eyes light up. "Okay Mr Genie. I have a new wish that doesn't involve building the next world wonder."

"Great, what is it?"

"I wish that I could understand women. Understand why they do and say the things they do."

The genie looks at him and asks "Do you want that bridge 2 lanes or 4?"

I want to live my next life backwards!

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.

Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several
years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're
too young to work.

So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.

As you get even younger, you become a kid again.

You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.

In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged
keeping you happy.

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like
conditions: central heating, room service on tap.

Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.


"The problem isn't what others do, it's your reaction to what they do." Al
Siebert

Lipstick In School

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom.That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..

There are teachers, and then there are Educators.


So, how about a little glue on this thread?

Quote: Originally Posted by 4x0n So, how about a little glue on this thread?

For that one, I'll hang it out there and sticky it for ya...





(just hope I don't get in trouble...)

Quote: Originally Posted by GrandpaNoob72 For that one, I'll hang it out there and sticky it for ya... (just hope I don't get in trouble...)

I'll back you up

I think you all will like this one my mom E-Mailed me today.

Once upon a time there lived a king.

The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,
anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.


The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,


"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .
The s second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas,
once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. !
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)




































M&M's of course.


They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??

Quote: Originally Posted by j-dogg The 06' Miami Dolphins.

The 07' Miami Dolphins.

Quote: Originally Posted by GrandpaNoob72 For that one, I'll hang it out there and sticky it for ya... (just hope I don't get in trouble...)

I gots yo back soldja!

Girls are like domain names. All the best ones are taken...

IDIOT SIGHTING: Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a large enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two."

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman, KS

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

From Kansas City!

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for a dear coworker: She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office.

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "Its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When
women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the
entrance:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!" There are 6 floors and the value of
the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item
from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you
CANNOT go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the
Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hard ly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with
Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store .

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just
across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

T he 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

I wouldn't call that 'mild' racism. The notion that all African Americans are criminals is extremely racist.

My eight-year-old son, Joel, comes into my office to ask if there's a worse swearword than f***. "No," I say.There's a silence. "You're lying," he says.
"There's none worse than f***," I say.
Joel narrows his eyes. "I know you're lying," he says. He leaves the room.
On Saturday I take Joel to Chessington World of Adventures. What a crappy theme park! None the less, we have a wonderful day together.
"You're a great dad!" Joel says as we drive home.
"And you're a great son!" I reply with a magical twinkle.
We smile lovingly at each other.
"There is a worse swearword than f***, isn't there?" says Joel.
"Yes, there is!" I say, still with a magical twinkle.
"What is it?" asks Joel.
"It's c..." I begin. I stop. "Uh," I say.
"Tell me," says Joel. "I swear this is just for me. I'll never use it. I just need to know. I will never use it on anyone. I swear. Just tell me."
I feel clammy and hemmed in. "And you won't tell Mum we had this conversation?" I say.
"I promise," says Joel. "Mum will never know."
There's a silence. "I can't tell you," I say.
"Tell me," says Joel.
"I can't," I say.
"Then why did you almost tell me?" Joel yells.
"Because I wasn't thinking responsibly!" I yell. "I was swept up in the magic of the moment."
"You have to tell me," Joel says. "It's only fair."
"Uh," I say. "I, uh... I..."
I look around the car. For some reason we have an old can of Italian lemonade down on the floor.
"It's limone," I say.
There's a silence.
"Limone?" says Joel.
"That's the worst swearword of all," I say. "Limone. But I'm holding you to your promise that you will never use it. OK? Never."
"Limone?" says Joel. He seems disappointed.
"There's nowhere to go after limone," I say. "Limone is the Everest peak of swearing."
Joel looks out of the window.
"You know," I say, wisely, "sometimes the mystery is better than the knowing, wouldn't you say? Sometimes the journey is better than the destination. Anyway, don't tell Mum."
We reach the house. Joel rushes inside.
"Mum!" he yells. "Dad told me the worst swearword of all! I know what it is! Limone!"
My wife, Elaine, appears at the top of the stairs, an inscrutable expression on her face. I shrug, anxiously.
A month passes. We go for a weekend away. At the hotel, a boy on a tricycle crashes into Joel.
"Limone," mutters Joel under his breath.
Another month passes. Joel has a friend round for a sleepover. At 11pm I hear them talking. They're saying, "Limone" in awed whispers.
"I feel terrible about this," I say to Elaine. "I've tricked my own son. I'm going to tell him that limone isn't a swearword, and is in fact the Italian word for lemon." I pause. "I'm going to tell him the actual worst swearword in the world."
"You are not!" says Elaine.
"I'd rather he was foul-mouthed and accurate than see him like this," I say. "All because of my stupid, stupid slip of the tongue in the car on the way back from Chessington World of Adventures."
"You are not going to tell Joel the worst swearword in the world!" Elaine yells.
And so I don't.
Today, Joel comes into my office. "Hi," he says.
"Hi," I say.
There's a silence.
"Anyway, I'll see you later," says Joel. He goes to leave. Then he turns around.
"Oh," he says. "C***."