Ways To Avoid A Good Southern ASS Whupping


1. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

2. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

3. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

4. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called "Drink." Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Drink. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

5. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,Welty, Williams, Faulkner); most of us are also better educated, and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.

6. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Oprah, Turner Broadcasting, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment, if you keep reminding us of the fact we will kick your ass.

7. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

8. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Linda Lou, Cooter, Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clevis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

9. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta or US Airways is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston

13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold Doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14. So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked of course). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our cooking, and you will go home in a pine box...minus your ass.

My favorite is number 3, cuase its all I ever do when I'm in the south.

It's funny.................now that I've been living in GA for a few years, the locals still ask if I'm a "Yankee".........

and I reply "Yeah, I am........The North kicked yer ass and I will too"..........heh

Quote: Originally Posted by Wafflesomd My favorite is number 3, cuase its all I ever do when I'm in the south.

Sounds like NewOrleans my summer oven,lol.Jo

Quote: Originally Posted by HoJo 13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold Doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

Hmm, maybe this is why 13 is my lucky number. Because I got my ass blistered by my grandma on more than one occasion..... deserved it every time too.

Yes indeed, HoJo. Righteous, my man..... righteous. The South: God's Gift to your stomach!

In the words of that famous rabbit, Bugs Bunny, upon crossing the Mason Dixon line;

"Well hush my mouth and call me cornpone. If it aint' the lil' ole South!"

PS I thought y'all called carbonated beverages "soda".

Quote: Originally Posted by jofultner Sounds like NewOrleans my summer oven,lol.Jo

Represent

The last place I would ever expect to get my ass kicked at is Waffle House though. I mean, their "Help needed" say "Now hiring good folks"

Ahhh, someone finally found it and posted it. I got it a long time ago... I love it. all of them I can agree with.

number 4 has been edited, instead of "Drink" it says Coke

Hiperf, watch number 1.

Joecoin: what is soda? is this some sort of cleaning solution or something? Oh, wait, you mean coke?
the request: I would like a [size] coke.
The question: What kind of coke?
The reply: Regular [or diet, or Dr. Pepper, or pepsi, or Mountain Dew, or sprite, etc...] please*
Also joecoin, "y'all" when written, has the apostrophe between the "Ya" and the "ll" so it's, "Ya'll" (or "Ya all," "y'all" would be "you all")

Number 13, defiantly... There is no excuse for bad manners.

Btw, "Jim Bob cooter" is a perfectly Acceptable name

PS. Does any other southerner get that look of surprise on the person's face when you, for instance, open the door for people?

NW Florida uses Coke too for every type of drink, and yes I get the surprised look nearly every day.

16. Southerners need a list of reasons to kick your ass...in Detroit, just you breathing is a good enough reason for us


Just messin with ya bud, I spent 4 years in Valdosta, Ga..there were some things I realy did like (Most everybody was damn nice and polite) but I always felt outta place when mingling with the locals off base.

Though I was seriuosly not sad when my enlistment was up....that humidity was killing me, I would break a sweat going from my air conditioned house to the end of my driveway just to get the mail...

Great read!

Quote: Originally Posted by madxmodman Ahhh, someone finally found it and posted it. I got it a long time ago... I love it. all of them I can agree with. number 4 has been edited, instead of "Drink" it says Coke Hiperf, watch number 1. Joecoin: what is soda? is this some sort of cleaning solution or something? Oh, wait, you mean coke? the request: I would like a [size] coke. The question: What kind of coke? The reply: Regular [or diet, or Dr. Pepper, or pepsi, or Mountain Dew, or sprite, etc...] please* Also joecoin, "y'all" when written, has the apostrophe between the "Ya" and the "ll" so it's, "Ya'll" (or "Ya all," "y'all" would be "you all") Number 13, defiantly... There is no excuse for bad manners. Btw, "Jim Bob cooter" is a perfectly Acceptable name PS. Does any other southerner get that look of surprise on the person's face when you, for instance, open the door for people?

madx,

I don't know what soda is. Here in Ohio we use the correct term for commercially available carbonated beverages, "pop".

I knew that y'all meant "you all", I was using the Higher English Formal Modality.

I never could understand why people feel a need to include their middle name. Here's a short list of people with the middle name "Wayne".

The Classic Middle Name (all new) Arrested recently and awaiting trial for murder: John Wayne Lewis, 59 (McAlester, Okla., June); Kenneth Wayne Beck, 34 (Warren County, Mo., June); Timothy Wayne Coalson, 44 (Senoia, Ga., July); Charles Wayne Thomas Jr., 22 (Dallas, July); Ira Wayne Cloniger (Washington, Va., July); John Wayne Thomson, 46 (arrested in Victorville, Calif., on a Washington warrant, August). Pleaded guilty to murder: Michael Wayne Nelson, 23 (Palatka, Fla., August). Executed for murder: Darrell Wayne "Gator" Ferguson, 28 (Dayton, Ohio, August). Committed suicide after escaping from a halfway house: convicted murderer David Wayne Nelson, 42 (Anchorage, Alaska, June). [KOTV-TV-AP (Tulsa, Okla.),6-26-06] [St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 6-24-06] [Charlotte Observer-AP, 7-18-06] [Fort Worth Star-Telegram, 7- 28-06] [Rappahannock News (Herndon, Va.), 7-19-06] [The Columbia (Vancouver, Wash.), 8-7-06] [Palatka Daily News, 8-8- 06] [Dayton Daily News, 8-7-06] [Anchorage Daily News, 6-7-06]



That's from this website:
http://www.newsoftheweird.com/archive/index.html



I've lost track of all good ole boys with the "Wayne" name that he has listed.



Say, if a guy from Alabama and a girl from Detroit get married, would their sons be known as "The good ole' boyz in da hood?".

the word "Pop" is a word that describes the sound pop corn makes when it is heated, also describes the sound you make with your mouth when you suck your top lip over your bottom lip and quickly pull them apart, popping can describe someone that takes drugs ("he started popping pills again") or pop can describe hitting someone (I poped him in the nose)

And Godfoot, I definatly get that look at least every day.

Btw, what's with the middle name thing? (if you were replying to my remark about jim bib cooter, "Jim bob" is his first name, probably short for something. I betcha he's got a real middle name)

Anywho, that's the southern way fer sure!

Southern born, southern bred, I'll be southern till the day I'm dead!
American by birth, southern by the grace of God.

I must point out that I am a "Damn Yankee". I was born in The Bronx (New York) and lived there for 14 years, lived in Jersey for 12 years and have lived here in Vegas for 20 years. I do want to move to Texas and am getting there as soon as I can. I even learned how to conjugate Y'all. Y'all - singular, all y'all - plural and all y'alls - plural possessive.

Quote: Originally Posted by HoJo I must point out that I am a "Damn Yankee". I was born in The Bronx (New York) and lived there for 14 years, lived in Jersey for 12 years and have lived here in Vegas for 20 years. I do want to move to Texas and am getting there as soon as I can. I even learned how to conjugate Y'all. Y'all - singular, all y'all - plural and all y'alls - plural possessive.

Meh - I'm origonally from the central part of Washington state and we know how to use y'all fluently even.

Funny I still call it a soft drink.Jo

Quote: Originally Posted by HoJo I must point out that I am a "Damn Yankee". I was born in The Bronx (New York) and lived there for 14 years, lived in Jersey for 12 years and have lived here in Vegas for 20 years. I do want to move to Texas and am getting there as soon as I can. I even learned how to conjugate Y'all. Y'all - singular, all y'all - plural and all y'alls - plural possessive.

Congrats man. Texas is without a doubt the best state. Though I would suggest that you wait till winter to move down here. It will make it a bit easier to adjust to.

P.S Where are you thinking of moving to?

Quote: Originally Posted by eascarface Congrats man. Texas is without a doubt the best state. Though I would suggest that you wait till winter to move down here. It will make it a bit easier to adjust to. P.S Where are you thinking of moving to?

The hill country just north of San Antonio. I bought an acre of land there last September. My daughter has lived in SA for two years now and she loves it.

EDIT: I don't think getting used to it will be a problem. I saw snow on the ground and 117 degrees here last year so it can't be much wores even if it is more humid.

The Cliffs Notes version. If you Yankees can obey #10 and #3 sometimes you're still likely to leave asses intact. We Southerners by birth have become alot more tolerant than we used to be - mostly 'cause there are too many Yankee cops and judges down here now and "He critizied General Lee" will no longer ensure that you walk and your barroom opponent does jailtime.

We also don't mind Yankees strange dietary habits and ways of ordering things - it helps us know who is who.

We tend to order by brand: "Ill have a Coke", "Ill have a Pepsi", "Ill have an RC". If we are some place that only has Shasta we will order the 30 things and be told 30 times "We don't have that" before ever asking "Well what do you have?" Yankees ask after one. No manners.

Decent Southerns haven't joined the KKK since the 30's when the Klan actually had some political clout. Decent Southerns who were Klan members after World War II generally joined because Daddy said to. We've largely left the Democratic Party for the same reason - no clout. We took DC at first Bull Run and we are not interested in giving it back.

And last but not least - do not for one minute consider that your time in the Northern climes has made you a better winter driver. For you see, when it snows in Atlanta - even half an inch - Atlantans avoid the roads and hide until it all melts. And Yankees laugh and laugh and talk about how they grew up driving on snow and it's no big deal.

And promptly destroy their automobiles.

Because local climatic conditions do not put a lovely blanket of winter whiteness on the roads that you are familiar with. We have Black Ice. You cannot see it. You cannot brake on it. You cannot steer on it unless you have spiked tires. And spiked tires are illegal so don't bring them South with you.

Every time it snows the local TV stations go out "Yankee filming". They all have a favorite spot near the station. It's downhill. It curves. It crosses a big busy street that will get some rock salt on it. [The state of Georgia - THE ENTIRE STATE - has 3 rock salt trucks. One is always broken. Be patient].

And invariably along comes some Yankee who hits his brakes - goes straight as the road curves away, jumping the curb and continuing without slowing down - into the big busy street where he gets nailed by some delivery truck because the only thing running is delivery trucks everyone else stayed home.

It happens every snow [which is not every year even].
Without fail.
The news crews always get crash footage. Like NASCAR.
Y'all aint so smart.
Deal.

Now this is not true in every Southern city. Lexington KY has very different weather than Miami. But in Atlanta DON'T DRIVE IF IT SNOWS.

Ya Yankees
-MF

Quote: Originally Posted by Monsignor Funkibut And last but not least - do not for one minute consider that your time in the Northern climes has made you a better winter driver. For you see, when it snows in Atlanta - even half an inch - Atlantans avoid the roads and hide until it all melts. And Yankees laugh and laugh and talk about how they grew up driving on snow and it's no big deal. And promptly destroy their automobiles. Because local climatic conditions do not put a lovely blanket of winter whiteness on the roads that you are familiar with. We have Black Ice. You cannot see it. You cannot brake on it. You cannot steer on it unless you have spiked tires. And spiked tires are illegal so don't bring them South with you.

Meh - I drive on black ice all the time without studs. I use soft compound mud tireZ with extra sipping. Studded tires are on hard compound tires normally - and I've found are worthless for extreme climate driving. Then again - I'm not exactly your normal yankee. I miss Biloxi Mississippi.