Ok, make me laugh, I haven't heard a good joke in awhile!

Q: Whats black and white and red and can't turn around in a hallway?

A: A nun with a spear through her

Thats the only clean one I can remember...

EDIT: Woo, Im Glitterkills personal hoe now..joy!

Two blondes are walking through the woods when they come across some tracks. The first blonde says those are deer tracks. The second one says they're bear tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

lol..pretty good, havent heard a good blonde joke in ages..

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.
"Yes," says the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."

Q. How does a blonde turn the light on after sex?

A, She opens the car door.

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

How do you fit a cow into a subway???





Take the f out of way.

it's funnier when you don't read it and acctually say it

going to war without the french is like going hunting without an acordion

yep, i still hate the french

Found for sale on ebay, 1 french rifle, never used, dropped once..

A man walks into a bar with an octopus. He says "20 bucks says this octopus can play any musical instrument". The bartender bets it can't play the piano, but the octopus plays Beethoven with ease. A second man puts $20 on a guitar, but the octopus rips out Purple Haze as well as Hendrix himself. Finally, a Scot walks up with a set of bagpipes and hands them to the octopus. The octopus sits there, turning the bagpipes over and over in it's tentacles. The Scot says "I knew he couldn't play the bagpipes!" and the octopus says "Play it?!?! I'd screw it if I could get it's pajamas off!"

lol..ah, the good ol scottish jokes!

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized
that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow
up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with
one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting
dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to
dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its
arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest
Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest
puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the
milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up
with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody
could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the
Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long
Dachshund.

Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was
no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the
Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage
and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog
snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American
dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's
neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog
in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We
had our best people working for five years with the meanest
Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest
meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund."

lol. That wasnt the conclusion I was thinking. Pretty funny..

if i laughed any harder i would have woken up the whole house

In the middle of an empty parking lot is a blonde in a cannoe. A car drives up and rolls down the window. Another blond sticks her head out the window and yell's "Its blondes like you that give us a bad name. If i could swim I would come out there and beat you."

lol, I remember that one now..

What's the best bait when you're ice fishing?
>I dunno, what?
Peas.
>Peas?!?!
Yeah... when a fish comes up to take a pea, ya grab him...

Works better spoken aloud... probably pretty bad, too. But that's all we have for humour up here in the norse lands... Well, I have my monty python collection...

lol, would you like a mint sir? Piss off Im full... Id post some ones I know, but I might get kicked off of PR

lol, gotta check this out, some dweeb doing a star wars impersonation, and someone finding it and adding special f/x..just watch 'em...

http://www.waxy.org/archive/2003/04/29/star_war.shtml

A penguin takes his car into the mechanic to get it looked at. The mechanic tells the penguin its going to be a bit while he looks it over, so the penguin gos across the sreet to an ice cream parlour and gets some ice cream. he finishes it and goes back to the garage. The mechanic tells the penguin "looks like you've blown a seal" the penguin replies "No I didnt, its just ice cream"