A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says,"What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!" Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies... "I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"


another


A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

another

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses..."

another

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."


another


A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.




I personally like the first and last one..... what do you all think?

hahahahahahhaha

i love em alll man

but nothing beats when u killed me with that flashbang. or when we first heard about that pipe.

Quote: Originally Posted by Sigmakid I LOVE EM ALL MAN!! jk i dont, i just like the MOLE one.. Molassess.. Feenis PWNZ at making JOKES! PEACE!~!

Welcome to PimpRig Sigmakid

" Where'd you get that KICKASS pipe yo!!!!!!!!"

"from pipe storage, in pod 5."




"ever since you got that pipe youve been just the biggest bitch!!!"

I thought this would be a good joke for all of you to read.

Little johny's school is having show and tell, so the teacher starts a 'Guess Whats Behind My Back' game. She goes to her desk and picks up a item. She says, okay class, what am I holding, its RED, ROUND, and SHINEY. Little Johny replies I know teacher its an apple, The teacher replies, no little johny, But I like the way you think.
So the teacher goes gack to her desk picks up another item. She says, okay class, what am I holding now, its YELLOW, and SOFT. Little Johny replies I know teacher,its a bannana. The teacher replies, no little johny, its a tennis ball. But I like the way you think. At this point little johny is furious. Okay teacher, this one's for you, he stuck his hand in his pocket and said okay what am I Holding, Its ROUND, HARD, and has a HEAD. The teacher says, Little johny, go to the office right now, you are in trouble. Little johny replies, for what teacher, its just a quarter, but I like the way you think.

One day a very succesfull blonde was driving down main highway into town. This was our creme-de-la creme of Blondes out there, and she was always putting people in their place about blonde jokes and the like. On this particular drive to work, she happened to see another blonde in a rowboat out in the middle of a grassy field. She thought to herself that she was going to give this woman a piece of her mind. So, she pulled to the side of the road, got out of her car and screamed down to the blonde in the rowboat... "You know, its blondes like you that give us other blondes a bad rap, and if i could swim I'd go over there and kick your ass...."

I always loved that joke

one of my other favs...

One Sunday a pastor at a local church was giving a sermon on how everyone has enemies and how we should love our enemies as Jesus did. So, to bring some "congregation participation" into his sermon, he asked everyone who had an enemy to raise their hands. He noticed that everyone raised their hands except for old Mrs. Jones in the front of the church...He said to her with a beaming smile (for Mrs. Jones was one of his favorite parishoners), "Mrs. Jones, I cannot believe that through all your years on this glorious earth that you have no enemies. Can you tell us and the congregation how you managed that?"

"Easy," she said "I outlived the bitches."

I think this is really good just read the road signs in order.

http://www.lotsofjokes.com/viewer.as...e=pic_0019.gif

The Koala and the little lizard i thought this was pretty funny...http://www.forwardedfunnies.com/the_...rd_010310.html

All the jokes in this thread are funny, unfortunatly I can never remember a joke for more than 2 minutes so I haven't got any to add!

Quote: Originally Posted by Reza All the jokes in this thread are funny, unfortunately I can never remember a joke for more than 2 minutes so I haven't got any to add!

I am the same way i have to keep looking them up because of the short time memory i keep saying to my self I suffer these initials C.R.S. if you know what i mean.