Just had this forwarded to me, and though it was hilarious...

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, "Mike, let me twll you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.' She did and said, 'These are too big I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."

"Hmm," said Mike. He thought tha tmight be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on." She tried them on and said, "these are too large. They don't fit me." Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then, Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "here - you try on mine." he did and said, "I can't get into your pants."

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."

Thats funny lol.

A woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre.
So the bartender gives it to her

I've got one for you all...

A baby seal walks into a club.

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: "Legal Consultation Service: $150."

Two peanuts were walking down the street, one got assulted.

34 things I learned from video games:
1. There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence.
2. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters.
3. If it moves, KILL IT!
4. Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training.
5. One lone "good guy" can defeat an indeterminate number of "bad guys."
A. "Bad guys" move in predictable patterns.
B. Except for "bosses," most "bad guys" can be dispatched with one hit.
C. You often fare better against a large mob of "bad guys" then against a "boss" in one on one combat.
6. "Bosses" always hire henchmen weaker then they are to do their 'muscle work'.
7. If you see food lying on the ground, eat it.
8. You can smash things and get away with it.
A. Smashing things doesn't hurt.
B. Many nice things are hidden inside other things.
9. Cybernetics are our friends.
10. When driving, you can knock other vehicles off the road and get away with it.
11. If someone dies, they disappear.
12. Money is frequently found lying on the streets.
13. All shopkeepers carry high-tech weaponry.
14. If you get mad enough, you can fight even better than normal.
15. If it's on the ground, you should get it.
16. Repulsive, ugly, cannabalistic, evil beings have just as much right to be loved as heroic fighters.
17. The operation of a weapon is a simple and obvious procedure.
18. You never run out of ammunition, just grenades.
19. No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again.
20. Death is reversible (but only for you!).
21. Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently.
22. Whenever huge fat evil men are about to die, they begin flashing red or yellow.
23. When you are born, you drop out of the sky (a stork?) and are completely invincible for a short time.
24. Although the enemy always has more aircraft than you, they fly in elaborate patterns which make it easier for you to shoot them all down.
25. All martial (marital?) arts women wear revealing clothes and have great bodies.
26. All martial arts men have rippling muscles and angry expressions.
27. The enemy always leaves weapons or powerups lying around for no reason other than so their bitter enemy can pick them up and defeat them with it.
28. Shoot everything. If it blows up or dies, it was evil. If it doesn't, try and pick it up--- it was probably a powerup or bonus.
29. Carpe diem! You only live three times!
30. The most powerful fighters always wait until you have acheived a near-impossible, flawless win record and/or killed a certain number of opponents before they appear in your presence and beat the crap out of you.
31. You sustain injury if you shoot innocents.
32. 200 - 1 odds against you is NOT a problem.
33. gang members frequently all look the same, and often have the same names.
34. When racing vehicles, do not worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A new vehicle will appear in its place.

Why are fish so thin?

They eat fish.

This one is hilarious, and it's 100% true....

So, two teenagers are in a bar in 5 Points in Columbia, SC. They get a little drunk and are asked to leave the bar. As they are leaving, one of the kids decides to have a 'verbal altercation' with the bouncer. Before the argument escalates any further the cops show up and proceed to arrest the young man for public disorderly conduct. Now, this young man's friend was giong to have none of that, and since he too had been drinking, the thought it would be a good idea to 'intervene' and protest his friend's arrest. After all...they're just drunk.

As the other man decides to intervene, the cops don't take kindly to his tone of voice and pushing and shoving. So they decide to arrest him as well...throwing him in the backseat of the squad car. Now, this young man has had quite a bit to drink and his body needs a rest...so he passes out...

About 10 minutes later, the passed out drunkard awakens and is totally incoherent with no comprehension where he is. All he knows is that he's in a strange car...and he doesn't know where the drivers are taking him...so, he pulls out his cell phone and calls 9-1-1.

Once the dispatcher picks up he informs her that he's being kidnapped and has no idea what is going on or where he is going. He's freaking out, but he says he's being kidnapped many times. The dispatcher asks him where he last was, and he tells her. Since the squad car that he's in was the closest to the scene of the 'crime' the dispatcher instructs the officers to go look for this kidnapped poor soul.

It takes them 15 minutes to figure out that the drunk numbskull in the backseat is the one making the phone call. Of course they get pissed, and to make it look like it wasn't their fault...they charge the poor guy with 'Unlawful use of a telephone.'

Moral of the story...don't call the police when your'e drunk...because...well....you're drunk


And yes, that is 100% true, because that's who I enrolled into Pretrial Intervention last week. Good times, good times...

My mom believes that ghosts live in cars.

I just think thats hillarious.