Hey all:
I wanted to share with all of you a modern day fairy tale I wrote for my senior lit class in college.
If you dont understand fairy tales....there is alot of symbolisim in them
Usually things like bad wolves, missing fathers, evil stepmothers, etc...
things like the element of 3 or 7....monsters or enemys that arent really bad after all...
Victory and happily ever after....
This is a very modern story about war in Iraq....
See if you can find all the symbolisims in it...
POST YOUR THOUGHTS AND COMMENTS PLEASE
Be honest....My heart is out here for your critiquing...

The streets are dusty and full of broken and shattered pieces of rubble everywhere you look. The annoyances of squealing tank tread squirmishes in the distance. Omar has seen this street in better days. It used to be full of vibrant shops that echoed the sounds of commerce and wealth. The glistening of gold and jewels no longer present on the now broken tables. All that is left are broken desolate remains of a time past, a time that was once good. Omar and his younger sister Ali are alone in the dark corner of the shattered bakery.He used to frequent this place with his Ma-Ma. Closing his eyes he can smell the bread, how it used to warm his body. As he looks up, he notices little Ali drawing in the sandy rubble with a stick. She draws a picture of Family: Ma-Ma, Omar, and Little Ali, standing together holding hands in the shop. Omar reflects back further to the events that brought them to this place. He smiles as he remembers a time that he spent here with his mother, how she begged for scraps of day old breads whilst the smell of fresh bread was billowing from the oven. ...

It was 7 nights past when the shooting stars bellowed towards his home. Omar is frightened of the shooting stars, the shattering whistle and their rockets' red glare. The character of far off explosions and tattered crys emblazoned into Omar's mind. The appalling sights and smells of the falling stars have been a day by day activity as long as he can remember. The first time he saw the shooting stars, His Pa-Pa told him they were perilous and daunting. "If you pray hard enough, Allah will protect you from the stars. They will visit those that do not pray." Omar's Pa-Pa scorned. Omar knew that prayer meant he must close his eyes and put his head in his lap while the stars flew over. Sometimes Omar could hear and feel the earth tremble when the stars shattered into it.

While Omar was praying, he noticed his baby sister Ali failed to get into prayer. . As he scrambled across the room to protect her, the room surged with sudden ferocity. The winds burn Omar, jettisoning him under a pile of rubble into a diminutive clearing with the familiarity of a defensive cave. Unable to reach Ali before the smoldering, he finds her screaming and covered in white powder. Omar ran to her and brought her back to the protection of their new hiding place. The sound of the stars screams further away now, he could look up to the heavens and see them directly. Oh how he wishes he were there instead of here.

The roof from his house was missing, and the walls were crumbling around them. The two of them crouched inside the small protective cave of rubble and waited for the last star to fall overhead. When all the stars had fallen, Omar took Ali by the hand and went outside to look for his Ma-Ma and Pa-Pa. He could not find either of them anywhere with all the devastation. Their home was shattered into millions of pieces with very little left standing.

Omar stood in the middle of the street holding little Ali's hand, all he could see was death and darkness filled with glowing tones of red, yellow and orange. Omar could feel his heart beating in his chest, his temples sweating from the increased rate of breathing. His jaw hurt from the hard biting he had done while the Stars had destroyed his home. Omar thought, "What will I do now?" as Little Ali grasped his hand tightly, tears flowing down her face. His mind filled with courage and strength. Ali was now his responsibility to take care of. Omar blown into manhood in a matter of seconds, with his parents missing, the life of his sister was now his main responsibility.

As Omar stood there, a group of men ran up and grabbed him and his sister, muffling their screams with dusty hands. These strangers scrambled off like a pack of wolves in the night, carrying their newfound prey. Omar, too weak to fight, lays lifeless in the wolves' arms as they take him and Ali to a small clearing where others have gathered, resting against a dark and dirty wall he gives into sleep.

Morning comes and Omar sits up rubbing his eyes free of dirt and dryness, Omar looks around to see other young boys standing in formation, weapons in hand, listening to the wolf in the front tell them of their new life. One of the wolves notices Omar stirring and quickly comes over to grab Omar by the arm, shoving him into the ranks with the others. The wolf hands Omar a large and cumbersome rifle. As he stands in the heat, holding this large steel machine of death, Omar wonders about Ali.

Where has she gone? Is she okay?

The wolves keep repeating that they must fight their way to the center of town to earn revenge. Omar learns of a heartless creature with features similar to his own from the wolves. This hideous being covered in multicolor sheep's skin must be stopped by any means necessary. He earns that these creatures, these wolves in sheep's clothing have shallow eyes that are void of color and soul. Omar realizing that these multicolored sheep like creatures must be responsible for the death of his parents, He decides this day to fight for the wolves.

Hiding low in rubble Omar sees the multicolored sheep coming towards him. He aims his rifle at the sheep and pulls the trigger. One of the sheep falls down screaming. Curious to meet this creature up close, Omar crawls over to the creature to see the black eyes for himself. Was there really no soul in these sheep of war?

After 3 days of fighting, Omar feels hungry, desolate, and lonely. Lost from his sister Ali, all he can do is follow the orders and continue to take aim at the creatures that destroyed the wonderful market, his home, his parents, and his life. Wandering for scraps left over from the wolves, Omar hears the sound of distant firepower. As he trys to make a run for it, Omar feels something bite his leg, a sharp stinging in his leg forces him down to the ground ,unable to move, even though Omar mentally screams at his to his leg to move, it refuses. He looks down to see blood running from his leg and realizes he's been shot; the other not so fortunate are falling around him.

Omar knows the sheep with their black eyes will be here soon. His heart begins to beat faster as one of the creatures comes to him and reaches down to pick him up. Omar is frightened tremendously, staring into the shallow soulless eyes of this creature that came along and snagged him up. Unsure of what is to become, Omar feels very week. Eventually he gives into closing his eyes and letting this creature do with him as he wishes. Omar has officially given up his fight, first he loses his ma-ma and pa-pa, and then his sister disappears; now the sheepskin-covered creatures have bitten him.

Omar wakes in a very bright white room, He wonders to himself if this is paradise. He has heard stories of this place from his parents, the afterlife where everything is good. Omar notices the multicolored creatures walking all about the room caring for the injured. Except in here, their eyes are not black or soulless. There is no sheepskin to hide behind one of the creatures walks up to Omar when he realizes he is wakened. Omar looks him in the eyes, they are blue and glow with a friendly warmth. The Creature grabs Omar's hand, leans down, and whispers "everything is going to be okay now, just lay back and rest".

Omar looks around the room scanning to see if these creatures are harming others. Everyone seems good until Omar remembers Little Ali. Where is she? Where has she gone? Omar longs to have his sister near. She could admire his bravery, his willingness to fight the enemy. However, losing her has been even more important than her recognizing his bravery. As he starts to finish his scan of the others, he hears a familiar giggle in the room. Omar sits up to see the source of this familiar giggle. He waits for the sound to get closer when he sees her. There is little Ali with a group of other small children playing at a small table with crayons and paper. Omar jumps out of bed and rips of all the plastic tubing that has been attached to him. He runs to his sister, screaming her name in joy…ALI…ALI…My beautiful sister. You are alive and well. Little Ali's eyes begin to well with the same tears of joy as the two embrace. Squeezing tighter Omar does not want to let go of Ali again.

After a few days, Omar learns that the multicolored creatures that wear the sheepskin are not creatures at all. Their eyes are full of color and life; their hearts are tender and warm. They care about Omar and Ali. Nursing him back into shape so that he can once again look for a place for himself and little Ali to live. The strange multicolored creatures have been nothing but good to him and Ali. Omar wonders who the real wolves in hiding are here. Perhaps the wolves that do not wear the sheepskin, the ones that told him to fight?

After a short time, Omar learns he can wander the campus He goes to his little sister and gives her a big hug…Omar begins to tell her of everything that has happened to him and assures her that he will find them a place to go. Somewhere safe where they do not have to hide from the wolves. As Omar walks out the front door of the paradise like building, He is holding his sisters hand tightly. A boy that has lost almost everything, yet he smiles at the sunlight as it warms his face. He sees the rubble still, but with a new approach. He was blessed this day to be alive and to find his sister so quickly. Was Allah watching him from above? Omar is not sure but what he does know now is that the sheep on their tanks, in their trucks, etc... Are not the evil ones here. Omar smiles a coy grin and grasping his sister's hand, walks towards another memory. Eventually the children get lost in the mix of life. Walking down the tattered and torn streets, trying to find a way to survive.

Nobody has any thoughts or comments? lol

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Jeesh.



Barry

I've yet to read it, am at work and don't have the attention span there to read a short story. But it's open in a tab so I'll read it later today.

Just finished reading it. It's a very well done story. I might say that the undertones/symbolism is a little bit too strong---it's almost as if the symbolism is the focal point rather than the actual story. Or is that what you were aiming for?

The beginning and the ending were superb--I especially liked his memories---those were very well done.


Great job Digi

It was meant to be that strong...
In order for this to qualify for a FAIRY TALE...I had to have those elements...
Had it been a regular story...Most of that would have been eliminated except for a few small symbolisims...
Like the black void eyes.... The symbolisim is the goggles that soldiers wear in iraq...
Shooting Stars... Rockets Red Glare...not to hard to figure that one out

And the ones that throw it off....The wolves...sheep....missing father....element of three...etc...
I wish it was just write a good story class...but I had to write a fairy tale.
And I wante'd to be different...not a corny fantasy one.
THanks for the input though...I really do appreciate it
Keep em coming...PLEASE
DIgi

The transitions are too sharp, too sudden. The intro into the actual attack happens too quickly without any setup between the two. The move between fighting and hospital happens too quickly as well. There is no transition or explanation.

The transition is required in order to allow the reader to understand the meaning for the change that takes place. I don't think this was fully explained, it just happens the the reader has to accept the fact that the story has changed.

I was also rather put-off by this sentence, "The annoyances of squealing tank tread squirmishes in the distance." What is a tank tread squirmish? A very awkward sentence to use in the beginning of a story.

Overall, I would give you a B because of the use of descriptive sentences and the subject. Some of the prose is abrupt and incomplete, but I think it works well with the story. If you would not cause people to stop and rethink where the story is during the transition, it would be an A. Good job. You have progressed amazingly.

Quote: Originally Posted by BigAkita The transitions are too sharp, too sudden. The intro into the actual attack happens too quickly without any setup between the two. The move between fighting and hospital happens too quickly as well. There is no transition or explanation. The transition is required in order to allow the reader to understand the meaning for the change that takes place. I don't think this was fully explained, it just happens the the reader has to accept the fact that the story has changed. I was also rather put-off by this sentence, "The annoyances of squealing tank tread squirmishes in the distance." What is a tank tread squirmish? A very awkward sentence to use in the beginning of a story. Overall, I would give you a B because of the use of descriptive sentences and the subject. Some of the prose is abrupt and incomplete, but I think it works well with the story. If you would not cause people to stop and rethink where the story is during the transition, it would be an A. Good job. You have progressed amazingly.

Agreed on the tank tread...But the idea there was the sound it signified to the children and the thought is that the sound is distant and moving like rodents in a maze...Mabye I didn't get what I see in my head out in the write words..
GRRR

The transitions are very rough....This story was 12 pages....but the limit is 6...
I had to cut the write down in half...

I think I will have to go back and redo this story to add the other 6 pages back in...remove a ton of the symbolisims and call it a short story
I wish I was not limited to the 6 pages and the symbolisims I had to use...but that was the requirements that were handed to me from the professor...
And DOCTOR Norton hates to be challenged...As she constantly reminds us of her title...
lol
Thanks for the review though...
I knew there would be some negative on this one...because of the requirements I had to fill.
I think I will turn this into short story...for my own benifit.
And I have to get the name OMAR out of the story so many times...But its in there that many times for a reason more symolisim found in Fairy Tales...

Digi

The "squirmish" thing BA mentioned kind of jerked me out of the story at the beginning, being an avid spelling-and-grammar fanatic. I noticed a lot of what's already been said, in addition to various tiny spelling and punctuation errors, but I'm not about to nitpick it, because I feel it's more important to focus on the story as a whole, rather than the methods of delivery. And when I look at that, I'm very much impressed. I especially liked the way Omar sees things, such as the "falling stars", it's not easy to deliver the way a child sees things, but I think you've done a very fine job. Very moving and poignant, if you're the sort to expand, I would take BA's advice on the transitions, as that is probably the most pressing issue that holds this piece back.



PS- I'd love to see the expanded version. I always felt page limits were sort of cheap, you can't limit creativity.