New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years – because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days –mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain – trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done here.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond ersonName w:st="on">JoersonName>y.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual, you're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or is just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

Quote: Originally Posted by HoJo New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done here.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH, yah, that's great.

Heh, those are pretty good. They remind me of that one comedian that always sounds pissed off... hilarious.

Quote: Originally Posted by Jobistober Heh, those are pretty good. They remind me of that one comedian that always sounds pissed off... hilarious.

That would be Sam Kinison, God rest his soul.

Quote: Originally Posted by HoJo That would be Sam Kinison, God rest his soul.

"Oh, oh, OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
Man I miss ol' Sam, it was nothing for him to get me laughing.

Quote: Originally Posted by HoJo New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain – trout?

That was found to be a hoax, and the people are in jail because of it.

Rather a finger than what the "meat" actually consists of. At least a finger is real meat.

Those rules are great. Did they actually come from Sam? I loved that dude's comedy.

May I add a few:

-Know what you're asking for. If you say you want feature XYZ because you think XYZ ensures that it works with DEF, then you're just asking for trouble. Say you want it to work with DEF, or we'll give you a perfectly compliant XYZ that doesn't work with DEF.

-You do not know better than Amazon or Newegg or the Zen Cart development team how an online shop should look and feel.

-An intern's job is NOT to get in the way of the guys who can actually accomplish things.

-Is paying a 25% premium to equipment we can wait a few days for locally really the best way for a startup to operate? I doubt it.

-You do not open your restaurant with a new increased-price menu on the day the cook is out and the replacement burns everything.

-I'm not going to hire anyone under me who's making more money than I am. We're looking into hiring a trained chicken who can peck out PHP.

Quote: Originally Posted by BigAkita Those rules are great. Did they actually come from Sam? I loved that dude's comedy.

I don't know where they came from. I just got them in an e-mail and thought I'd share. I was refering to Jobistober's reply.

That's some funny shizt. Sam was so cool..

Quote: Originally Posted by Hak Foo -I'm not going to hire anyone under me who's making more money than I am. We're looking into hiring a trained chicken who can peck out PHP.

With that strategy, you could assemble the worst sports team (or movie cast) in history!

Nah, I hear what you're saying. A skilled manager can use a team of imbeciles to produce a great product. In which case the manager gets paid more, as he/she should. But in other cases, the manager (or group/team/project leader) is no more than a glorified secretary for a team of well-trained, talented developers/engineers/etc. And yet the manager still gets paid more, because their box is higher on the org chart.

Quote: Originally Posted by FunkyFresh With that strategy, you could assemble the worst sports team (or movie cast) in history! Nah, I hear what you're saying. A skilled manager can use a team of imbeciles to produce a great product. In which case the manager gets paid more, as he/she should. But in other cases, the manager (or group/team/project leader) is no more than a glorified secretary for a team of well-trained, talented developers/engineers/etc. And yet the manager still gets paid more, because their box is higher on the org chart.

Actually, it's more a protest over the fact that although I am currently the only developer in the organization, I'm still being paid roughly between "Public School Teacher" and "Guy who exposes himself outside the library for a quarter"

Kinda sounds like George Carlin lol

Can't get embedded to work.

Sam & Rodney... the best.

YouTube - Rodney & Sam