Darksamurai

Well gang... I'm probably TOTALLY screwing up my fellow tech-writer's schedule... but I'm not officially "back" yet. I'm still waiting for a new schedule at work...

Regardless, I really over-did it exersizing, and I'm walking like Frankenstein, so I figured what better time to sit (very, very still) and hack out somethin' on "B" movies.

For those who didn't know, "B" stands for "Budget". Not all movies that have been dubbed "B" had a small budget though. Sometimes you can have a star-studded cast, special effects out the ass and you'll STILL end up with a "B" movie.

"B" explained: Basically, if the acting is bad, you can see the special effects guys running in the background, the plotline sucked, it bombed at the box-office, or just kind of slid into obscurity with little to no notice... it's probably "B". "B" is just slightly different from cult films. Usually they do go hand in hand... but in most cases, "B" is a movie that was so bad, it struck you as good.

IN THE CATEGORY OF THE MARTIAL ARTS:

Envelope please?

The most horrible martial arts "B" movie I've ever seen gets awarded to...

Jackie Chan's "Dragon Fist". This movie was PAINFUL to watch. Admittingly, there has been worse films, but the very fact that Jackie Chan has done so many cool movies makes this one something special. I actually shut it off about midway through just 'cause the voice-overs were annoyingly bad, the martial arts included "POW" sounds at EVERY move, whether they hit anything or not and the plot was pretty sad (and I don't mean depressing).

The BEST "B" martial Arts film goes to:

"Big Trouble in Little China".

Kurt Russel, and a TON of Chinese/ Hong Kong stars. This film was so bad it was good. It's just a great movie. More fun is to squint one eye and say dramatically, "I AM THE PAST COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU LO-PAN!" for kicks!

IN THE REALMS OF HORROR PICTURES:

Drum roll for the worst of show please?

Da-da-dunn-da! It's gotta be "Frogs". NOBODY was in this film, and the "Frogs" spend their time just kind of sitting there. The family is going insane from these croaking frogs, but all they (the frogs) do is sit there and look like they're pretty bored.

BEST "B" HORROR FLICK:

HAS to be "Eight Legged Freaks"... although this was a push with "Bug Buster" (which was sooooooooo bad it was funny as hell). In "Eight Legged Freaks", they take dumb "B" to a new level, and by all perception, it was on purpose.

This includes spiders that sound like "Donald Duck" as they hop around and wreck havoc... The characters were amusing, the plot-line was tired, but they played it as everyone KNEW it was tired. It was a trip.

SCI-FI B-MOVIES:

Yes, some films just stand out as "BAD".. sometimes that's a good thing!

WORST OF THE WORST SCI-FI...

PROJECT METAL BEAST:

I tried watching this... I really did! It was sooooooooo bad I felt like it stole time from my life. Acting reached new realms of "horrible". Man that was bad...

BEST OF THE BEST:

Pitch Black. Admittingly, Vin Diesel is to blame for a LOT of the "ricers" out there with a huge-ass wing on their Chevy Cavaliers (thanks to the Fast and the Furious), but if you haven't seen "Pitch Black", you're missing somethin' special. Awesome movie, and it was rather inventive for being on a budget...

I'll probably be revisting this topic (time allowing), but if you think you've seen the worst of the worst, or the best "B" movies have to offer, feel free to reply!